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Friday, December 30, 2005New Year's Eve Eve... Riiiiiiggggghhhhhhttttt...
So in less than 30 hours, we’ll be in a New Year. Personally, I can’t wait. This year… let alone the past two weeks has been a bit crazy. I’m hoping for some normalcy… at least what I consider normal.
Last night I went out with The Steff, a mutual friend Diana, and her husband. Diana was in Texas for the first two weeks with me… but came back early so she could go to the Fire Department of New York Bureau of EMS (FDNYBEMS). Sell out. Just kidding Dee… just kidding. So we played some pool, guys versus girls… of course the guys won 2 out of 3. The Steff and Dee actually surprised me though. They definitely gave us a run for the money though.
After that we went to the local pub and had some beers. We talked about The Steff and her old boyfriend versus the new guy. Dee and her husband pointed out the same things we had continually talked about regarding Officer Crumb. The thing is though… whenever I mentioned the new guy’s name… she smiled. It wasn’t just any smile… it was a genuinely happy smile. I hope she wakes up… opens her eyes… and officially gets rid of Crumb and sticks to the new guy.
So, I got home at like 2:30 this morning… up and at work. Then I dispatched pretty much all day with cotton mouth. Now if you think that just walking around with a hangover is fun… trying dispatching forty ambulances feeling that way. But hey… here’s the bright side… tonight I’m volleying. So I plan on working all night tonight… and then sleep tomorrow during the day in preparation for the 16 hours from New Years Eve into New Years Day I have to work.
In some really good news... my new BlogExplosion banner was approved today!!! Everyone seemed to love the kitty... so he got worked in. So if you see it... click it...
Hopefully… if time permits… I’ll be able to blog one final 2005 entry… but in case I don’t… Happy New Year everyone!!!
Thursday, December 29, 2005Bad Doggy...
I used to have a serious addiction. It was to all things WizKids... specifically the MechWarrior game line, having been an avid Battletech player many years ago. I played in a number of local, regional, and even national tournaments.
While I had thought about doing a blog about table gaming instead of a rant and rave blog like this has turned out...Tabletop Gamer is doing a fine job. While not specific to the currently popular "crack and play plastic" miniatures... I think they do an outstanding job in showing just what mini playing is all about. Be sure to check them out when you get a chance.
Wednesday, December 28, 2005Security Cameras
Ever wonder what you look like on the security cameras? Well here's a good picture of me... or as good a picture of me on the security camera at work. I'm the one in the red circle. I think the picture came out pretty good... all things considering. I mean, we're not talking about the greatest photo here... one I took earlier today while just screwing around with the software trying to figure out which camera the guy who delivers breakfast walks by.
Why my sudden interest in security cameras? Well it turns out there's also one in the hallway of Christine's apartment building. Yep... I was caught on film... and so was he. While the first blow occurred out of sight, after you see me crashing into the wall... when he jumps ontop of my slumped down frame its pretty obvious who the aggressor was.
So she called me tonight... to apologize. Of course... its a bittersweet apology because she feels that until he and I can be civil to each other... well she doesn't want to talk to me. After all... HE is her husband. So she chucks over 14 years of friendship... and at least 13 years and 9 months of me loving her to death... out the window.
So... I just want to say thanks Christine... I appreciate the apology... I appreciate your honesty about the whole situation... and I appreciate the fact that you did thank me for putting together the kitchen. However... I will not be thanking you for defending him and his behavior... I will not be thanking you for blue pilling your way through life... and I certainly will not be thanking you for BREAKING MY HEART YET AGAIN!!!
2006 needs to be a helluva lot better... and soon!!!
Special thanks to HAT3 at PYMMOTI for inspiring me with the red marker.
Please forgive my temporary shallowness, but I caught sight of this beautiful creature while cruising through the 'net trying to drown my sorrows... and this definately picked me up.
The girl here is, believe it or not, Osama Bin-Laden's niece. Now at first I thought, no way. However, if the Aussie's say its true... it must be.
So now I can understand why they made them where those huge sacks (burkas if I remember correctly). I mean, if all the women look like this... well we would have invaded a LONG time ago.
While I do have to admit that I am very impressed... this in no way shape or form changes my opinion that the entire Bin-Laden bloodline needs to be purged and eradicated from the earth by any means necessary.
Sorry Wafah, while I'm sure you'd make an awesome trophy on the shelf... your pedigree leaves an awful lot to be desired.
I admit it. I’ve been in a foul mood the last few days. Maybe I’m justified and maybe I’m not... but still I continue to suffer.
So Monday afternoon I got an IM from Nikki of my Match expeditions. We had an interesting… although a bit warped IM conversation. We started out talking about our respective Christmases. We progressed to what was more hurtful to step on, Green Army Men or Legos. From there we went onto something else, and then we talked about honesty… or to be more exact “fudging”.
See, I tend to be an honest and upfront person. I really don’t believe in fudging. She does believe in fudging… but she says to a certain degree. Things like “You look fat in that dress” and “Your hair looks like my grandmothers”… which are things I agree shouldn’t be said in that manner. Then of course is the whole thing of “I slept with him awhile ago”… well, that’s where I disagreed. While details are not necessary the fact that “awhile ago” was last week does need to be stated… especially if you’ve been saying this person during that timeframe. She didn’t feel so… and I do. Do you think irreconcilable differences already? Yeah… this stuff works out well. So after some more banter, she logged off… and I basically wrote her off.
So Monday night I went to The Steff’s house to fix the futon. See, I put it together with the bottom piece upside down so the mattress was slipping off the frame. One of her friends was there, so I brought her an ice coffee, her friend a latte, and myself my usual French Vanilla Large Ice Coffee with cream and four Splendas. So I rework the frame, the whole time talking about the problems she’s having with Officer Crumb and the problems her friend is having with a guy named Jack.
Somehow we ended up rolling the “Decision Dice” regarding Jack. The dice spoke… and she needs to pursue Jack. Then comes the issue of not knowing how. Do females really think its easy for us to talk to them about liking them? Is that how the female mind works? The answer is a resounding HELL NO… and in case you missed that, allow me to resonate HELL NO.
The truth is it is really really really hard for us to walk up to someone and say, “Hey, I like you, I think your swell… wanna be boyfriend and girlfriend?” Why are those words so damn hard… because of the fear of rejection. For me, that fear gets so bad my heart flutters, I sweat, I become dizzy, and I end up stammering and stuttering at “Hello”. Of course in The Steff’s friend’s case… she has the same issue. So… when you can’t say it… I say write it. That was my advice… write him a letter or something. She’ll probably end up text messaging him. That’s what people do these days, they text each other. So after that, I left for home while The Nick and The Steff went to play pool or something… I think with Barista. I really don’t know… really didn’t care… my shoulder was still killing me from Louis on Christmas morning.
So yesterday was a busy day at work. I did get my 2006 list of things NOT to do done… now I hope I’ll be able to keep to that list of things not to do. Once work was done, I called back The Steff. She had left me a voicemail to call her, since yesterday was her orientation at the new job. I called her, and she told me about her orientation and how she might take the dispatcher slot instead of the slot on a bus. Of course this interferes with her school schedule, which I am none too thrilled about. In our brief conversation, I got the odd feeling something was wrong. I asked her, and she denied it… but then she said something to someone and I discovered she was hanging out with the new guy. So, I brought the conversation to a close… knowing I was the virtual third wheel… she said she’s “throw” me a call later (which I knew would never happen)… and I then proceeded to the store.
For Christmas, my mom decided to give me some money for a digital camera… which is something I could have used down south and something I had been looking at. I did some browsing, a little play testing, and finally settled on buying only the Fantastic Four movie. I grabbed a large French Vanilla Ice Coffee and headed home. On the way, I thumbed my phone to Christine’s number and called her. After two rings it went to voicemail… meaning she saw my number and decided not to answer it… but I left a message anyway.
I walked into my room and looked on my futon. There, as usual, was my mail. I casually flipped past some bills and offers of more credit cards I could never be approved for before coming to a VERY familiar envelope. I looked at the return address… it was from Wizards of the Coast… but it was in my handwriting. My heart sank to its lowest point in a long long time.
I sat on the futon with the envelope in my hands. I didn’t need to open it. I knew what was inside of it. Still, I urged my hand into action against the ache of my shoulder. There, in the envelope I had addressed to myself, was my rejection letter for a novel I had submitted. I stared at it briefly… then folded it up and threw it away.
I drowned my sorrow in the comfort of French Vanilla… and the distraction of Jessica Alba playing the Invisible Girl… alone yet again.
Do You Know What It Means to Miss New Orleans?: Angels, Evacuees and French Fries has a great entry about a Jack-In-The-Box and her personal odyssey into Shrevesport fleeing from Hurricane Rita.
One of the reasons I like reading these kind of entries is to hear how there were some people who lucked out. During my time in both New Orleans and at the Sabine County Hospital, we really didn't meet anyone who "lucked out". The vast majority of our contact was with the sick, hurt, and elderly who were stuck either without homes or missing loved ones.
It's nice to know it all worked out for someone afterall.
So Lost in Thought seems to be a spurtful little blog... spurting dark things across the blogsphere. Today, I can find solace in it's shadows... yes... it's another rough day.
Tuesday, December 27, 2005Top Ten Things NOT To Do In 2006
Top Ten Things NOT To Do In 2006
10) I will NOT crash an ambulance- …Every year I make this resolution… and every year I never seem to keep it. Maybe this year will be different.
9) I will NOT become depressed-… Right… I have about as much control over that as I do over the weather… but hey… it’s a goal.
8) I will NOT become an alcoholic-… Sons of alcoholics have a 90% chance of becoming alcoholics themselves… so I’m limiting my drinking to the holidays and special occasions… ok and maybe one or two nights out.
7) I will NOT lose the mortgage money playing poker-… I will win it… hehehehe.
6) I will NOT be consumed by the corporate giant Match.com-… no matter how bad it becomes… nor how desperate I am… I will not send more than 5 winks a day… otherwise I’ll be on there all day hitting that damn refresh button.
5) I will NOT dance the happy dance when Hurricane Season starts June 1-… I won’t do any dancing… however I will be throwing a party with a keg the night before as I pack my bag and begin Hurricane watch 2006.
4) I will NOT quit my job- … as stressful as it may be… and as insane as it may get… I have to remember I have responsibilities and a family… and I MUST provide for them.
3) I will NOT fail in New Years Resolutions 3 or 4- … in case you missed it… read it here.
2) I will NOT bring any violence home-… contrary to popular belief… I’m really not a violent person… I can become very very very angry though… and anger management was a major goal for me back in 1999… and so far I’m six years without a furious rampage at home… four years out of the home (that therapist ya know…)… so let’s keep it rolling.
1) I will NOT give away another piece of my heart-… How much more is there to give away anyway? If it was in quarters, well I’m done already… Christine has a piece… Pudding has a piece… The Steff has a piece… and of course Yum has a piece… so what’s left??? Maybe it’s divided into eighths…
So those are the things I will NOT be doing in 2006... with my luck I'll end up doing them all and then some (except for the dancing... I don't dance).
Monday, December 26, 2005Yes Virginia, There Is A Santa Claus
Ok, I know it's late and I should be hard at work on the list of things not to do next year... but I found at IdentityMIA - Mishaps of the Internet an old study I had seen years ago and loved... go check it out... unless your a true believer... in which case just move on and buy some more carrots for the reindeer.
I have a new tenant renting my blog space. Everyone give a nice loud howdy to One Man Bandwith coming to you live in English... from China!!! Yes... he's an American Professor blogging his way over the Great Walls. So please, show him some American love and go check out his adventures in the next economic super power of the world. Thanks!
10) Quit smoking- yes… it may be my lowest priority of things to do… but I’ve been telling myself every year is the last year now for five years. Maybe if I didn’t make it my lowest priority I’d be able to do it.
9) Lose weight- not sure how to try to do this again this year… but maybe I can get motivated to avoid the constant and consistent fast food and make some time for the gym. I have a gym membership… unfortunately it’s so old it was chiseled into a stone slab similar to the Ten Commandments. Yeah… I definitely need to update that photo.
8) Spend more time with my family-… right… anyway…
7) Go back to therapy-… or some form of it. My former therapist won’t want to see me anymore… but he was nice enough to drop the charges after I destroyed his office and nearly put him through a plate glass window. Maybe if the therapy would have worked… that wouldn’t have happened… so who’s fault was it anyway? See… this is why he doesn’t like me anymore.
6) I’m going to win the World Series of Poker-… right… look, this is a list of the top things I should do… but for this one, I’ll be happy with just a seat at the table and to avoid being the first person busted out.
5) I’m taking my son to New Hampshire-… I have a beloved aunt who lives in New Hampshire. She has unfortunately only seen DJ once… primarily because of the distances involved. So this spring, I’m taking him to see her… because besides the guilt trip she gave me last night about it… I do miss New Hampshire.
4) I’m going to deal with Officer Crumb-… yes… I have been EXTREMELY nice so far… but if he even attempts to play the same crap in the new year as he did last year with The Steff… well, just go see number 7… only I WILL put him through the plate glass window… and seeing as how this is a picture she sent me of her throwing darts at him… I tend to think she won’t be protesting.
3) I’m going to deal with Louis finally-… see number 4, then read number 7, times it by 10… yes… Louis is done… he just doesn’t know it yet…
2) I’m going to be less violent and less aggressive this year-… really… after I do number 3 and number 4… I think I’ll become a Buddhist and find some inner peace. Maybe then I can get a date. Buddhists aren’t celibate are they?
1) The one thing this year I swear I’ll do is finish ONE of my book ideas- …I want to get it done and get it published… maybe not by a real publisher… but if I have to do it myself so be it. Bottom line… my number one goal is to break down the wall with a sledgehammer and smash it into bits and pieces. Then I’ll become that Buddhist… as long as they don’t have to be celibate… otherwise I’ll have to find some other inner peace religion that allows sex. How about those mormons? I can live in Salt Lake City… really I could.
So that's what I WANT to do for 2006... maybe I should make a list of things to avoid too while I'm at it.
While getting ready to make my New Year's resolutions I stumbled over this page that I found VERY useful... namely to give my blog a "home" link... So click on the title and you'll see what I mean. For other goodies, check out Blogger Hacks - The Series - Freshblog.
When We Were Liars, Things Were Seamless: Excerpts from a Conversation is a classic example of the things I was talking about that I can identify and sympathize with.
Really... to put it in more of a modern terminology, it's like The Matrix (the original movie). When Morpheus offers Neo the two pills... the Blue pill and the Red pill. The Blue pill represents the world as you know it... the familiar things, the comfortable known things. The Red pill respresents the world you don't know... an unknown factor, an adventurous and potentially scary prospect. It goes alot deeper, philosophical arguments that have been made in a number of Matrix Essays written on the subject, but I'm not talking about the deep Buddhist stuff... I'm talking about how people the world over would choose the status quo over the refreshing and new.
The Steff does it, choosing Officer Crumb over the new guy. Christine does it, choosing Louis over the unknown. Monique is contemplating it, choosing Ryan over Mark. So the question becomes why stay with the known over the unknown?
Well, I think its because it is the unknown. There is a fear factor involved there... one which is in our subconscious as opposed to being a conscious thought.
Am I any different? I'm an adrenaline junky... never sure what my next call will be... never knowing where it might take me. Hell... I even participated in both Hurricane Katrina and Hurricane Rita responses. Am I a red piller, going down the rabbit hole every chance I get? I like to think so.
Yet... Pudding once accused me of preferring to be alone... and therefore being a blue piller. Then I doubted her, and told her she was crazy. Now... in hindsight... maybe I do prefer being alone... because deep down that is what I'm used to having been that way for so long. Marrying her was definately a trip down the rabbit hole. Would I give it back? Nope. I would do it... heartache and all... again and again. Why? Because there were good times too... and those are priceless in my mind and heart. Although being alone may be what I know and am familiar with better than most... it's being lonely that drives me to my moments of insanity. So is being alone my personal blue pill that goes down my gullet in my subconscious? Anything is really possible I suppose... but I need to change it... I need to swallow the red pill... even if it ends my existence in this dreamworld state.
So the question before us all is what we know versus what we don't... and which do we choose? I want to take the red pill. I don't want to stay with the familiar and safe... because I've been there... done that... got a few t-shirts and divorce papers to prove it. So how do I take the red pill in this? Maybe I should start with making some New Year's resolutions...
So… Christmas 2005 is coming to a close. Understand what Christmas means to me… it means 24 hours of A Christmas Story on TBS, standing order gifts, smiles, hugs, and an overall good feeling. Tell me where it went wrong…
Friday night I braved the stores for one last run. After getting done with that, I went over to The Steff’s house to a) give her the Christmas gifts I got her and b) put together a futon couch she had bought for her basement apartment. It took an hour, during which we talked about a lot of different things. Officer Crumb decided getting back together with her wasn’t the best idea… and the moron broke up with her again. She was upset, but I really thought she was dealing with it well… a lot better than the last few times.
After that… it was off to the bar with the guys from the FHVAC. I got my usual buzz on with the black and tans… Kenny even came down and we did a few shots… but by 2:45am I was driving into Brooklyn to see The Nick and give her the Christmas gift I got her. Originally, I had bought her a new doorknob since her old one was broken… but then she not only fixed the door, but she bought a new house. So she ended up with a robe she probably doesn’t need, and a gift certificate. She gave me a nice long hug… and then I was off again… this time home to my bed.
So yesterday morning I got up, and brought the bike to the store. It took the professionals over an hour to put together… which means it would have taken me at least 10. Then I ended up going to meet Christine to pick-up the kitchen she had bought for her daughter… which I was actually able to fit in the back of my truck alongside the bike. I took her home… talking about her idiot husband Louis and everything she hates about him, but why she stays with him, and so on. I offered my regular suggestion… leave his ass and runaway with me… and she laughed as usual. So I dragged this kitchen into a storage room in her apartment building’s basement and then I went back to mom’s for a shower.
The Steff came by when I was out and brought me my holiday cherry pie (that’s like our holiday thing… she buys me cherry pie from an AWESOME Italian bakery) and we talked for another hour plus. She was still handling the whole thing with Officer Crumb really well… redistributing his Christmas gifts to the new guy… and then we talked about her friend who also was broken up with and is in a depression. So, I ventured into trying to explain the whole difference between being alone and being lonely. I think she understood what I was trying to say… and that it applies to her as well… but I can never be too sure when it comes to her. Still… after all this time… she has the power to mystify me. Of course, there’s more history there than meets the eye… especially this time of year. Let’s just say… out of all the bricks in the wall… she is definitely the biggest… but also possibly the easiest… because she is the one who does inspire me to write… and I’ve already written my heart to her… so what more is there for me to possibly say?
So then last night DJ and the wolves came over to my mom’s house, and we all hung out, played a lot of games, and ate the traditional German fare of wurst (sausage for you non-germanic tribes). It was traditional for us in many different ways. Of course, it was also pretty out of the ordinary. The Pudding and her new love came over for about 30 minutes for some coffee and a quick gift exchange… and then I saw them all off into the night.
After they departed my family and I sat around and exchanged gifts… and here’s where things went haywire. Every year we have standing order gifts. There’s the usual undergarments, socks, and traditional yearly Christmas ornament. Well, this year I didn’t get one. My brother and father did… but not me. Instead I got a bear with EMT across his chest and a little black medical bag. Okay… I can deal with this… but then tradition breaks once again like a splintering mirror when I open up one of my gifts to find one of my mother’s crazy poems. See, she writes these poems for us on our birthdays. It probably takes her all year to come up with them… but that’s what she does… and no matter how badly we tease her about it… we do appreciate it.
So now here’s this poem… and there’s no ornament… and this just isn’t normal. So… I went to bed. I just did’t care. Then the phone rang… Christine hysterical on the other end because her husband passed out unconscious in a drunken stupor and she was trying to put the kitchen together and was failing miserable. So at 4:45am this morning I was putting together a pink monstrosity as quietly as I could. A billion plastic pieces… and they were really pretty confusing. We talked in hushed tone briefly… once he got up to go to the bathroom, saw me and obviously thought about saying something… but I guess decided against it and went back to bed. I got done around 6:00, and left her on the couch where she had fallen asleep. But hey… I was nice… and I covered her with a blanket… and yes… I did kiss her on the forehead. As I was going out the door, he lunged after me from behind and sent me crashing face first into the hallway.
Needless to say… at 6:05 am this morning the fists were flying. I walked away from it with a few bruises and sores. He caught the worse end of it. So when I got home, I see Christine called my phone. I probably didn’t hear it ring, but she left me a voicemail. Well, not to quote her or anything, but I was not "happy with yourself for totally ruining this Christmas for me and my family and I never want to talk to you again." Okay… now things have really gone south. Christine is, and probably always will be my first true love. Even before my first fiance’ Peppermint Patty… this girl had a piece of my heart. When that miserable thing she called a husband married her… he PURPOSEFULLY did it on my birthday. Yep… that piece of s*it married my true love on my birthday. Is it any wonder why we don’t get along? But I digress… so after hearing the message I decide hey, ya know what… someone cancelled Christmas this year and forgot to tell me.
This morning (well 11:00am is still considered morning right), my mom comes into my room all upset. She is handling my divorce from Pudding worse than I am… I think. She feels I’m still all ripped up inside, and that I’m sad, and she just wants me to be happy. Right… someone tell me when am I NOT all ripped up inside please? But, of course I can’t tell her this… because she’s already crying. So we spent half an hour talking… well ok, her talking and me listening… and I tried to reassure its ok… and its for the best… and that marrying Pudding was a mistake I made in a bad state of mind (we got married November 3, 2001) coming out of the three days I spent down at the Ground Zero… and I’m past it. I reassured her I wasn’t having any suicidal tendencies… even though I’ve been prone to those since I was 14 years old, but more recently I’ve been having the homicidal ones between Crumb and Louis… and she gave me an ornament. Ok… so maybe it is really Christmas.
This afternoon, I went to The Puddings house to see DJ and bring him the helmet for the bike Santa brought him… got ignored most of the time in favor for The Family Guy DVD set… and left. I came home, ate dinner, watched The Brothers Grimm, cracked a bottle of Merlot, and watched Modern Marvels:Walt Disney World instead of the rest of A Christmas Story marathon (one more tradition circles the drain)… during which I had a brief conversation with The Nick about maybe going out tonight (yeah, right)… and The Steff who I texted first "Merry Christmas, blah blah blah", then she texts me back something, I replied, and then she texts me that she was sad today… meaning she wasn’t handling the whole Officer Crumb thing as well as I thought… but she was drinking in her basement with some of her friends so she couldn’t have been that badly off.
So here I am… Christmas is over… I am alone… and lonely as all hell. One of the things that kills me about everything is that people like Christine and The Steff come to me and talk to me… and ask me for advice on their lives. LOOK AT MY OWN!!! I can’t even do what’s right for me… and what’s worse is I can barely take my own advice… like with The Steff… I told her tomorrow’s a new day… don’t let Crumb ruin it… but to be honest, I could care less about tomorrow for me… because it looks to be as empty to me as today is. What’s the point… well, maybe today I’ll be able to carry out some of those homicidal tendencies. That's a bright side.
So where did it all go so wrong???
And all that merry cal my little droogies, all that cal…
Friday, December 23, 2005The Authorian Legend (Or, Learning to be a Writer)
The Authorian Legend (Or, Learning to be a Writer)... a newer blog than my own... but very concentrated on the art I purport to practice. A good site for those who are as frustrated as myself.
Holidays. Somehow they snuck up on me this year. I really thought I had the shopping under wraps… then realized I really didn’t two days ago. Here’s where I stand:
DJ’s Star Wars bike arrived, but remains in the box. The Steff’s shotglass cabinet, CD, and A.C. Moore Gift Card are in the house, but not wrapped (I opted not to get her the Air Hockey table she wanted for a few reasons… namely where the hell is she going to put it?). I got Mom and Dad the movie gift certificates, but I still need the lotto tickets and crockpot.
The Nick, still not sure what to get her. My brother, still not sure what to get him (maybe I should get them together???). Still not sure what to get my aunt in New Hampshire. The Pudding… what do you buy your ex-wife anyway??? I’m thinking a bag of coal for her…
The only three people I am totally finished on is Christine, Barista, and Jen the Red. In the end… it really is pretty sad… and a huge flashing red indicator that I need to get to shopping like NOW. Of course… I won’t get out of here until six tonight… just when the stores will be PACKED. I’m doomed.
Am I in the holiday spirit??? Nope… not at all. But I know what’s going to happen. Sometime in April I’m going to wake up one morning with this excitement on the inside, and I’ll be thinking its Christmas. It’s just something that happens, and I really can’t explain why. I think it’s probably a delayed reaction to the holidays.
What I am looking forward to is watching my favorite move… A Christmas Story. I remember trudging through the snow with my mom to go see Return of the Jedi when I was like 11 or 12… and it was going to be the 17th time seeing the final installment of the original trilogy. Unbeknownst to us it had been replaced by this movie I had never heard of nor did I want to see. Since mom and I had walked the two miles in the snow… we were going to see it anyway. Later, my mother confessed that I officially only embarrassed her once in life. It was that day, in the movies. I laughed so hard, and so loud that apparently everyone was looking at me. As an adult, I can truly appreciate A Christmas Story for more than its cheap laugh pops… but for the meaning behind them. Looking back, I had a pretty outrageous childhood too… plenty of Ovaltine decoders in my past. I’m sure there are a few in my future too…
What a difference a day makes… well that and the NYC Transit System. Traffic is moving, my trucks are on time, and all the EMTs and Medics made it to work. Generally, life is good.
So now the big question the entire city is asking, was it worth it? The workers are back at work still without a contract, with over $3 million dollars in fines against the union, they have now lost a total of 9 days pay (the three days they didn’t go to work, + the two day pay penalty for each day), and they have no guarantees on anything. One of the workers was on the news last night saying how “New York is still a labor town!” and a bunch of other pro-union rants. Liar.
New York may still be a Labor town in the Labor areas… such as the construction unions. What these guys don’t realize is they just proved that they are not Labor. The Transit workers are a service based industry. They aren’t building the trains… they run them. The Service industries do not have the power or clout of the true Labor industries. Luckily for the transit workers, there isn’t anyone in the wings chomping at the bit to run the system of subways and buses.
Now somewhere on the ‘net are rumors that the EMS Union is going to strike effective New Year’s Eve. In fact, there is a legitimate concern that there will be some sort of job action since EMS workers have worked under the FDNY umbrella now for over 4 years without a contract. My take on it… I say go on strike… a full blown EMS walk-out… I encourage it and fully endorse it. Why? Because, then you’ll learn what the Transit workers needed to learn… you are also a Service industry… and when the mayor fires you, and replaces you all with the private ambulances… you’ll realize the difference and know how all of us who wore green felt in ’96.
Thursday, December 22, 2005Some Quick Bullets
Busy. That’s the word to best describe myself over the last few days. So here’s a quick list of things that have been going on:
Finally… everyone like the new template??? One day… I swear I’ll take a few hours and make a custom one… really…
Wednesday, December 21, 2005Season's Greetings
This is the e-card that I sent out to family and friends... and also to all of you...
As a general rule, I hate all those "X of the Day" things... well... except for Bloggin' Hotties which rulez. But here at Nuggets by Howard Sherman I have found a savant... who in his wisdom has pointed out that the American Red Cross was handing out coffee to people walking across the Brooklyn Bridge when their website specifically suggests not to give persons with hypothermia anything with caffeine.
So why does this make me so insane? Because this guy has no idea what true hypothermia is. Someone who is truly hypothermic WILL NOT BE WALKING. Now I'll be the first person to realize that my blog is full of useless stuff... mainly its a way for me to try and break down my writing block... but as a Blogger I like to think if I'm going to point out someone's error or the irony in something I'm going to damn make sure I'm right. In this case... I know I'm right... and that's why this guy looking for a cheap pop gets my Idiot Savant Blogger of the Day notation.
Tuesday, December 20, 2005Transit Strikes and Lotsa Zeros
So… for those of you not involved with New York City… we are in the middle of a Transit Workers Strike. Basically, all of the city buses and subways have been shut down. Just to give you a brief hint of how that affects New York… 7,000,000,000 (that’s a million… it just looks more impressive with all the zeros) fares a day use the subway. Now because each individual trip is a single fare, and most of the trips are really round trips to and from work, the number is actually more like 4,000,000,000. Well, that’s a helluva lotta people to move no matter which way you look at it… and has caused hellish traffic conditions here in the city.
Needless to say… ambulance response times are up… and I’ve been striving to get people places since early this morning. The strike, technically, is illegal because of the Taylor Laws that forbids Transit, NYPD, FDNY, and the sort to strike. There are some pretty serious fines involved… the union is getting whammed $1,000,000,000 a day… and each individual worker gets fined two days pay for every day they’re not there. That’s nothing compared to the estimated $112,000,000,000 that the city lost today alone… and the 20+ per day hereafter.
So… work has been hectic and havoc rolled into one… something like the other lives I lead. So let’s see… well The Steff got back with Officer Crumb… and he has once again decided to be a Crumb and is playing his mind games. I really really really really want to put an end to him once and for all… and it’s coming… really it is… and hopefully she’ll give the new guy a chance… as opposed to constantly going out with idiot savants. I just need a few minutes… and I know myself and Uncle Louisville will be able to make Crumb crumble… and he’ll skip out of her life forever…
Then there’s The Nick… who has found herself in a quandary… stuck between rocks and hard spots seems to be a specialty for me and mine. She has a living situation she’s trying to resolve… and so far it’s no goosh… she’s going to be stuck paying an exorbitant amount of money and still stuck with no space of her own… sharing it with her mom. This has sent her into a depression… which isn’t good… and while I wish I could help her further… I think that beyond lending an ear and a shoulder to cry on… well I’m pretty useless.
Then there’s the Match girl… not sure what to call her yet… mmmm… maybe just Nikki… but we ended up having a 4 hour IM conversation the other night. She seemed really cool… but then the weekend came. Over the weekend I took DJ to go see the “Big Tree” at Rockerfeller Center. We ended up walking up Fifth Avenue, went to World of Disney, FAO Schwartz, and tried to have lunch at Jeckyll & Hyde’s. Unfortunately… I forgot Jeckyll’s was so hardcore and not really a good place for a 4 year old. So we left after about five minutes and went to McDonald’s instead. So I haven’t heard from Nikki… which is a little depressing… it was good conversation.
So… here I am. I’ve done next to no Holiday shopping… the streets are flooded with people… my involuntary celibacy clock continues to tick… and I just drank the last of my 9th ice coffee. Am I having a good day???
My one solace… is that tomorrow is the Winter Solstice… and Yule has begun!!!
And all that cal my little droogies... all that cal...
Sunday, December 18, 2005Cobwebs and Candlelight - Short Horror Tales and Spooky Poems!: A 'Sobering' Seasonal Thought!
The holiday season is fully upon us. Friday night there were a minimum of seven different motor vehicle pin or entrapments between 3:00am and 6:00am in the borough of Queens. Saturday night there were a minimum of eleven motor vehicle pin or entrapments between the same hours. More than 30 people ended up on hospitals because of those 18 accidents. All these people have names, families, and a story behind it... but for obvious reasons I really can't talk about it here.
What is this a sign of??? Holiday drinking and driving. Don't let it fool you. Cobwebs and Candlelight - Short Horror Tales and Spooky Poems!: A 'Sobering' Seasonal Thought! is something I think you should all read and realize... yes... it does happen... and only you can stop it before it spins out of control. Don't become just a statistic.
Friday, December 16, 2005Bubbles in my Head
Bubbles in my Head is a nice little site... lotsa nice links... some nice exercises... and great tips.
Thursday, December 15, 2005Matching Up
So I got this e-mail from one of the ladies on Match who I had sent a wink to after seeing in her profile that she was a Disney kid at heart. I was actually surprised to get this… mainly because I had e-mailed her over a week ago… and I find if you don’t hear back from them in a day or two… you just won’t hear back. So here’s the e-mail she sent me:
I don't think either of us will get very far conversation wise, you see I too have been known to ramble...in fact I probably hold a title of some sort in that category. I am famous for novels rather than emails and don't even let me get started with IM's...As for rules, I was never any good at following them and have only gotten worse with age...some play martyrs, I had more fun playing rebel just usually one without a clue rather than a cause!
Are you also a paramedic? I at one time thought of nursing, I also wanted to be a CSI...long before the New York, Vegas and Miami television series...but after the first class that included a dissection, it was very clear that any type of career with a medical/dead people background was just not for me. There was fainting and vomiting involved...thank goodness not all at the same time. I think that last sentence probably broke a few rules, no?
I traded in years of not having a clue regarding my career path for a steady gig in the travel industry, I am a ticket agent with a major airline. It pays the bills, offers health insurance and has a few little perks...mainly using airplanes the way most people use cabs! It's insane and unfortunately I fit in quite nicely!
Lets see...oh, yes the favorite mill, I will see your favorite color...lavender and raise you favorite cookie...tollhouse chocolate chip. Not that I am teasing you in anyway...I am happy being a part time writer, not that I have been published in anyway, mostly I write trash novels for my best friend...she's my editor and about as far as I get. I never really finish anything, some have beginnings and middles others have middles and ends...I either never know how to begin the sagas or can't figure out for the life of me how to end them. Maybe someday...when I grow up.
It would have been easy if I could have reached you via email@example.com but of course nothing in my life is easy, that's supposed to make you appreciate things more but really all it does is provide a whole lot of unnecessary stress...not that this is stress...see rambling. Anyway, I don't technically belong to match.com at least not in the paying sense, so that's how the complication part of it arises. A friend who is a valid member has agreed to forward this email to you for me. It's almost like passing a note in study hall...which coincidentally is why I spent more time in detention than class.
To simplify, I will give you my email address however there are some questions that I will need you to answer first. One, I need to know up front if your nuts or have a history of insanity in your family...two, how computer savvy are you? Have you ever created your own virus? and three, do you dabble in sending spam mail?Anyway, that's about it...hope it wasn't too painful to get through.
Now here’s the interesting part… when I originally e-mailed her through Match I had sent my private e-mail address… because on Match you never know who is a subscriber… and who isn’t. So… she used her friend’s account to send it. What’s even funnier is she asks me if I’m crazy, or if I make viruses, or if I like to send spam… but then SHE GIVES ME HER ADDY ANYWAY!!! Right… who’s the crazy one now???
So here’s part of my reply to her:
Mmmm… the favorite’s… and you’re a gambler too, trying to come over the top with the cookie… I’ll call the cookie, also chocolate chip (preferably homemade TollHouse as well)… and I’ll raise it up to favorite type of music, which for me is Alternative Rock/Metal/Old School Rap (I know… I’m a music sherbert) AND favorite movie of all time, which when I tell you mine, I think I’ll shock you into folding. See, I have a top ten list… 10-8 is the original Star Wars Trilogy… 7-5 is the Lord of the Rings Trilogy…4-2 is the Star Wars Prequel Trilogy… and the number one favorite movie of all time… the stand alone cinema king… Love Actually. You got know when to hold’em… and when to fold’em… which yes, my current favorite TV show is the World Poker Tour… and please feel free to tease away… I also suffer from bouts of the kindergarden mentality… and will end up pulling a pigtail or two before I’m through.
As for the things you need me to answer first before you give me your e-mail address…
(2) My computer savyness is limited to windows stuff… I can double click on programs and cruise the net… but that’s basically where I end… and no, I never created my own virus, although I have been on the receiving end a few times.
(3) Spam e-mail… I hate it… deplore it… simple because it has taken my beloved Spam and turned it into something ugly. Yes… Spam is something I have, do, and probably will consume. Not that I eat it often… but when need be it is very consumable.
(1) I saved this one for last… define insane. Let’s face it… I drive around in a van with lights and sirens going for people who are shot, stabbed, or puking their brains out… how many sane people do that for a living??? How about for free (I volunteer in Forest Hills)??? And if that seems normal… for vacation this year I spent two weeks in New Orleans… floodwaters and dead schools of fish on the Interstate and all. Of course, my recoup time wasn’t much better, 3 and a half weeks in Rural Eastern Texas with a bunch of West Virginians saving Sabine one call at a time. So… am I insane? I don’t think so… although to be honest… I never asked you if YOU were insane… and in my original e-mail I did give you my aol addy… so maybe I am insane… or trusting. You decide. As for the family… they’re bonkers… totally and completely insane… you’d have to be to put up with the likes of me.
So… we’ll see what happens. To be honest… I actually have high hopes for this one… she seems funny and a little tuned out like myself… and I don’t think she’ll be like the stuck up other ones when she finds out I have a son… although I clearly advertise that fact on Match… although I may be wrong. Heck… who am I kidding? I’m ALWAYS WRONG!!! Then again… I still have high hopes… she seems intriguing… and I loved the whole poker reference thing… maybe in the least, being a kindred writing soul, she can help me drill some holes into my wall to knock it down. I’ll update as things progress.
Hey… STOP!!! Don’t click away yet!!!… did I mention I rented out some BLOG space? Be sure to click on my tenant and give him a whirl… and all that cal my little droogies… all that cal…
Wednesday, December 14, 2005I Rented My Blog!!!
So... I decided to rent my blog out to Scooter McGavin's 9th Green through BlogExplosion. He's actually got some good stuff, so if you don't mind, swing through his link under the Ligaments section where the space is that I'm renting. Thanks for coming Scooter!!!
Recently I saw a poll on AOL asking whether or not there was a War on Christmas. Apparently, removing “Christ” from “Christmas” has become a common theme in some towns and areas across the country. This includes a few episodes of “Holiday Tree Lightings” and “Hollidazzle” shows.
Then of course there is Beyond Belief Media… who officially declared War on Christmas on December 5. The opening shots were fired across the pages of the New York Times, USA Today, and the New Yorker. They have apparently also waged a guerrilla warfare model against holiday celebrations.
Do I believe there is a War on Christmas? Mmmm… no. Do I believe people are intentionally disrespecting the traditions of Christmas in an anti-Christian stance… absolutely. At the center of my reasoning for this, stands the Christmas Tree. Apparently, people are intentionally renaming it the “Holiday Shrub” or “The Yule Tree”. Well… why do that and not rename the Menorah the “Festival Candelabra” or Kikombe cha Umoja (The Kwanzaa Unity Cup) the “Holiday Mug”. This is why, while I do not believe there is an intentional war on Christmas, I do believe there is intentional disrespect to the traditions of Christmas and the faith the spurned it.
Hence… the reason why I clearly labeled my Christmas Tree as a Christmas Tree this year. Granted, while I may be Christian by design and atheist by choice, I see no reason to purposely disrespect any other religion… so the first person who refers to my Christmas Tree as a “Holiday Shrub” will be getting their collective holiday lighting knocked out.
Your probably wondering why I have suddenly taken this pseudo-political stance here instead of whining away at how miserable my life is… well there are some things that tick me off enough that warrant a stance. The Christmas Tree is one of those things from childhood that in now way shape or form could ever be any different. Always glistening… always glowing… soft shades of color gently illuminating the room. The age of innocence… oh how fond those memories are.
Anyway, reality-check here people. I’m still the grumpy frumpy fat guy with little to no hope for a companion to drive away the loneliness within. Let’s try not to forget that… and don’t forget not to mess with my tree either.
Bloggin Hotties is doing the right thing for us hetero-sexual male bloggers in the finest tradition of hotness. Hopefully when Ms. Chatty from I Talk Too Much gets around to checking out the blog... I'll break the negative smack record for having their button right below hers.
Hurt me Chatty... hurt me hard...
Holidays always seem to bring both the best and worst out in people. I think with this recipe... I'd be straight. Check it out at The life and loves of Pickle: Christmas recipe. It's well worth the try... just be careful of the dog...
Tuesday, December 13, 2005Starbucks And The Steff
I went to the dentist yesterday afternoon. Probably not the smartest thing to do considering my state of mind. So he drilled and yanked and cleaned… and when all was said and done I lost a rear upper right molar I had expected to be able to keep. I was not happy… and I was in a whole lot of pain. I went home, took the Vicodin script, and woke up at 5:00am in scorching pain. So I took another Vicodin… and I did the unimagenable… I called in sick for work.
See… I’m a workaholic through and through. I possibly might take two sick days the entire year… and even that would be a lot. But today… I called in sick. I spent the entire day in bed either asleep or groggily watching some tv. I know I watched Love Actually on not only MAX, but MAX West as well (with DirecTV you get both).
Sometime during the day I had enough mindset to check my messages… and The Steff had called me last night while I was comatose. I was going to call her back… but let’s face it, I was in a deep depression and didn’t feel like talking. She called again at around 6:00 tonight… and left me another voice message. The message beep roused me up and this time, I did call her back… she sounded sad and worried… and there was just something in her voice that haunted me into action.
So for thirty minutes we talked… mostly about her shopping, her mom, and her copper love interests. She did ask me twice if I was alright… of course I told her yes, I was fine although I know I’m not. After she asked the second time I then asked her if I had ever lied to her… and she said the sweetest thing… she said "No… only when I ask you about you." I know… it doesn’t seem so sweet or flattering… she called me a liar… but I laughed… she knew me too well.
Then after another ten minutes… in her own sweet way… she made me get up out of the bed and go to Starbucks with her. Well… we didn’t intend on Starbucks, because I HATE Starbucks… but we decided to go craft shopping at the new A.C. Moore… and Starbucks was on the corner… so we landed there by default. She had one of those vanilla caramel mocchiatos while I just had the apple cider. We sat in the big brown comfy chairs, and just talked. The topics were ranged from Christmas gifts, to her coppers, to her crazy sister, and the boots with the soft insides she got on sale. When all was said and done an hour later… her mom had made me chicken soup because she heard I wasn’t feeling well… and off she went to do whatever it is The Steff does… and I went to the gas station… feeling a helluva lot better than I had.
Granted… as usual… we talked mostly about her… but in the end, on the inside, I felt less alone. Am I still lonely? Hell yes. I would love to be able to go home to someone… to hold hands while watching television… and someone to put my arm over while I sleep… but I know that’s not realistic. But what The Steff gave me tonight was a warm smile, a hand squeeze, but most importantly a good laugh… even if it was at her expense. Yet another woman I love… and she knows it… because before I turned pages for you dear blog reader… I had turned pages for her… in fact it was last Christmas.
Maybe if I get a job in law enforcement she’ll lose the zeroes and get with the Sabine County Hero!!! Hell... I'm just happy to have her as a friend who can make me laugh... and all that cal my little droogies… all that cal.
Monday, December 12, 2005The Truth Of The Matter Is... I Suck
The Truth Of The Matter
So… not only did I attend the funeral this morning… but I did fall into a drunken stupor last night. However, I didn’t really do it alone.
General Christian tradition is to hold a wake for the deceased. Basically they lay in state surrounded by their family, whose friends come and offer condolences on the loss of their loved ones. I hate wakes. I always seem to never know what to say. So after the wake last night for George a bunch of us from Forest Hills, many of whom I haven’t seen in years, gathered together at a local haunt called Gibbons on Woodhaven Boulevard.
We got there around 10:00pm… and didn’t leave until around 3:00am. Needless to say I was intoxicated, inebriated, and ossified. I made it home to find one of my brother’s friends parked in the driveway. I didn’t completely lose my mind… but I strongly suggested he vacate the spot… and he did so.
So… in my drunken state… in between downing my Black and Tans and throwing back shots of Jeigermester… I came to the revelation that the truth of the matter is it may be in front of you but you can’t grab it… and that sucks… and I suck… which is why when I die… I’ll die alone.
It’s actually a depressing revelation… once again riding the line between being alone and loneliness. Of course… not realizing it… I sent it as a text to The Nick. She ended up texting me back when I was already in an unconscious stupor… but at least she texted me back. Of course… she turns around and says “Call me if you want to talk…” I guess she just doesn’t understand… these are things I have the greatest difficulty talking about… hence why instead of talking about them… I write about them.
So the funeral was this morning… and yes… I made it. Standing in the church brought back some memories (I worked in that church for 10 years)… and the cemetery did as well (I worked in the cemetery for 2 summers as a landscaper)… and of course the fact I was in those same places just last week for Kenny’s mom didn’t help the fact that this time I was there for his dad.
The thing is… I know he’s in a better place… but its one helluva trip to get there.
I’m not afraid to make that actual journey when the time comes… I’m just afraid of doing it feeling as empty as I do now. Time will tell…
Sunday, December 11, 2005Melancholy of Sorrow X
Artistic sadness can be found at Melancholy of Sorrow X. In some ways I wish I could be as artistic as this... but I'm more of a sorrowful rager... and although I can relate... they seem fake... but still worthy of a looksey.
Fixing Humpty Lumpty is an interesting blog. I find it amazing the different ways that different people see themselves. Thinking about her problems as compared to my own... I could always go order me up an escort. The problem with that is I'd have to pay hourly... K.T. only had to pay once and boom... her problem is fixed. So... an escort is out of the question.
The Bunny Lovers Shop might just be the place I need to go... maybe if I got a bunny I wouldn't be so damn lonely. Although... my friends would probably think I want a "snow" bunny... which I'm not against... but these brown things are pretty darn cool too.
Too bad their in France.
The diference between being alone and being lonely… is there truly a difference? Yes… I would have to say there definitely is.
See… last night I wasn’t “alone”… I spent it with my son and my 4 ex-step kids… we watched some Spongebob and some Cartoon Network before I flipped over to the World Poker Tour and entertained about a zillion questions (all of which I answer every week… but hey… start’em young is what I say) before they all went to bed. So… I definitely was not alone.
Yet… I still felt empty. For yet another week my notebook sat in my bag while I was there… and not a word in it did I write. Laziness? Potentially. Depression? Possibly… that’s really one of the hardest things about writing… actually doing it. It really can be a task if your not in the right mindset.
So I wonder… what bricks make up this wall that is blocking me from doing the writing I want to do? For awhile I thought there was The Steff, The Nick, Christine, and of course the Pudding. But are they really bricks in the wall… or are they the inspiration that drives me? Will the REAL brick in the wall please stand up… please stand up… please stand up.
Ok… maybe I should be standing. Maybe I am the only brick in my wall… but how do I remove myself? Fear definitely has something to do with it… I mean especially after what happened with the Pudding… I fear trusting and loving someone like that again… I fear it worse now than before after Patty broke off our engagement 12 some odd years ago. At least the Pudding said yes, and we were married for 3 years, so at least the “what if?” doesn’t haunt me so badly.
I shouldn’t even be here writing this. I mean, besides the fact that I am surprised how well I’ve kept this up (then again, I’ve always been a page turner as opposed to a talker), I really should be out Christmas shopping. DJ’s Star Wars bike already arrived… I ordered some stuff for The Steff already, but I still need to figure out about the air hockey table she wants… I already got mom and dad the movie tickets… I already got Christine our traditional Xmas/Chanukkah book (this year is the Gunslinger series by Stephen King… then maybe she’ll understand why I think my name should have been Roland instead)… ordered the Rios a picture of her online… got the Barista some DnD coffee and a Target card… but there’s still my brother, The Nick (she mentioned something cashmere), The Pudding (although I did get her the collection of the BK Star Wars figures she wanted), and my aunt in New Hampshire.
So… here I am… haunted by my past… fearing the future… and lonely as all hell while the rest of the world is festive and enjoys the holiday season. I need a few bottles of wine… my Love Actually DVD… and a few days to myself.
Tonight is George’s wake, and the funeral is tomorrow. So it would be bad to sink into a drunken stupor and end up not going… very bad.
Anway… I suppose that’s what is rumbling through my brain… anyone have any ideas to get me out of this slump??? No… I didn’t think so…
Saturday, December 10, 2005Death and Dying in My World
I hate doing a school career day. Having to stand in front of a class of young minds who
want to ask you about what you do should be a thrilling experience. At first, to be honest, it was. But the same question always comes up… “Has anyone ever died?”
The obvious answer, at least to us, is a big yes. People die in my business all the time… probably because my business revolves around the sick and dying to begin with… but one thing I always stress is “No one ever dies in the ambulance.”
This, technically is true. While they may arrest in the back of the vehicle, they don’t actually “die” because we use CPR to keep the blood pumping. Every now and then you hear of a hospice patient dying in the back if the bus… those are patients who are terminally ill and have signed DNR orders or Advance Directives… and then the bus becomes tainted and discriminated against by the EMTs and Medics. We just consider it bad luck.
The next question that always comes is the one I hate… and although it usually comes in different forms the nut is the same… “How do you feel when they die?” Now remember… we’re dealing with kids here… so of course we give a canned answer of, “Well we’re sad… but then we move on because someone else needs us.”
The truth is a lot harder to explain. There are those patients where you feel relieved for them… like the 80 year old lady who dies in a nursing home… or the man who decomposed in his apartment for 5 months because no one missed him. Then… there is the outrageous grief we feel when we find the blue babies in their strollers… or we carry away nothing but a bloody car seat. The majority of the patients… we just move on. There is no feeling… or if there is we store it up inside.
As cold and callous as it sounds… we don’t know these people… so their passing doesn’t affect us the same way as it will those who knew them.
At 4:10am this morning, my close friend Kenny lost his father, George. I’ve known Kenny and George for at least 20 years. Kenny and I were in the same Boy Scout Troop 119 and his father George was active with the troop. Kenny and I also volunteer at the same ambulance Corps, where we both served on the Executive Board and worked as partners on the ambulance.
George had been sick for awhile… fighting cancer like a champ for over 3 years. So this morning, with his sons Kenny and Tommy at his side, he passed away on the 7th floor of North Shore University Hospital at Forest Hills… going to a better place… where he won’t be alone.
I guess what bothers me about this whole thing more than normal is that Kenny’s mom also passed away… 10 days ago. Carol had been taking care of George, and they’ve been married for over 30 years. These were two people who basically lived for each other and cared deeply for each other. It’s kind of like the book The Notebook… George may have officially died of renal failure due to complications with cancer… but in reality he died of a broken heart.
Death is different when you know the person. There is a definite feeling of loss… and something in the back of your head that nags “what if?”
I can only hope and pray that somewhere along the line I can be with someone who will love me like that. The hidden fears of loneliness and solitude have crept back up… and while I know that I have solid friends and family… there is still that ache for that person to fill in the gap left in my heart.
I used to revel in being alone… I used to sit in solitude with pride… because I was the Watchdog… He Who Stood Alone… In my eyes you can see the pain of the masses… In my heart you can sense the coldness I feel... but that is not what I want. I’m tired of being cold… tired of being alone… but it seems to be the only thing I know.
Rest in Peace George… your in a better place… and with better company.
Friday, December 09, 2005People You Might Meet On The Internet
I believe I have found my long lost brother... Hate.
Hate runs a blog called People You Might Meet On The Internet. This blog is AWESOME!!! It's so awesome... I made him a permanent ligament... so be sure to go and check him out.
Speaking of people you meet on the internet... I think I might have mentioned I do the Match thing. Well, I swapped some winks back and forth between me and another member... we traded some e-mails... and ended up with each other's IM. So we're talking up a storm... and lo and behold she asks if I have any kids... which I of course answer in the affirmative. Suddenly, she turns and is like "Well, nice talking to you, good night."
Now you know what... normally this doesn't bother me... because people like this I wouldn't want around my son anyway... but WTF... have a little class and chat for like a minute more before running for the hills!!!
The Letters of Saint Sebastian is a bit of a private blog... lurking in the shadows. But hey... I really like the current Punisher Motif...
Thursday, December 08, 2005When We Were Liars, Things Were Seamless
When We Were Liars, Things Were Seamless... or so they would seem. Its nice to see a kindred soul here... lord knows I was thinking "I'm the only idiot who rants on here like this..." So finding Monique is actually pretty cool... now if only I could find out where Mark got his rap from I'd be okay...
...By the way... for those of you wondering and dying to know... last night, while I was totally inebriated, was a complete bust... well... I did get some gropes in... but anyway... more on that later...
Wednesday, December 07, 2005Another Day of Infammy
So today is December 7. 64 years ago today (1941) was the first time in modern history the United States was attacked on her sovereign soil by a foreign entity. The second time would be 49 years and 10 months later, on September 11, 2001. I can identify with December 7 through my experiences of 9/11. Let’s not forget Pearl Harbor.
Today is also my mother’s birthday… she was born in 1942… so HAPPY BIRTHDAY MOM!!!!
Tonight is also the annual holiday party where I work. Open bar… free food… finally a chance to sit back, relax, and get wasted. I’m all for it.
Maybe I’ll share the pictures… wowzer…
Friday, December 02, 2005Santa Puuuullllleeeeeaaaaasssssssseeeee....
Well... I think I've been really good this year. At no time did I physically come to blows with my ex-wife, I did not quit my job, no harm came to anyone relatively important to myself or anyone else in my life, I did not do copious amounts of drugs or consume incredible amounts of alcohol (well, not yet anyway), and I even gave up 2 months of city living to slosh through the south during Hurricane Season.
So... since I've been so very good... how about the The 360 degree LED television for under the tree this year? That would look awesome with the XBox 360. Do we see the "360" connection? Yes... I think this year you need to do me right!!! Thanks... and I promise this year I won't stomp a mudhole in any of your elves asses when they decide to go to sleep on my park bench from the eggnog.
-Big Bad Doggy Outside The Window
Epsilon Becomes Record 14th Hurricane in Atlantic
December Storm Not Expected to Pose Threat to Land
MIAMI (Dec. 2) - Epsilon strengthened into a record 14th hurricane in the Atlantic Ocean on Friday -- two days after the 2005 season officially ended. Forecasters said it posed no threat to land.
Epsilon had maximum sustained winds of 75 mph at 10 a.m. EST, according to the National Hurricane Center in Miami. Its top sustained winds had been near 65 mph earlier in the day.
The storm continued to turn away from Bermuda but could still cause dangerous surf conditions, forecasters said.
It was centered about 955 miles east of Bermuda. Forecasters said Epsilon was moving northeast near 14 mph.
The Atlantic hurricane season began June 1 and officially ended Wednesday.
Epsilon was only the fifth December hurricane recorded in more than 120 years, National Weather Service Hurricane Specialist Stacy Stewart said.
By December, upper-atmosphere winds are normally strong enough to keep storms in check, Stewart said, "but about every 20 years or so, the atmosphere allows it to happen."
The latest that a hurricane formed in the Caribbean was Dec. 30, which happened in 1954, he said.
No other major storms have appeared on the horizon, he said.
Forecasters say 2006 could be another brutal hurricane year because the Atlantic is in a period of frenzied activity that began in 1995 and could last at least another decade.
Government hurricane experts blame the increase on a natural cycle of higher sea temperatures, lower wind shear and other factors, though some scientists cite global warming.
Could hope still remain that I’ll see more action yet this year??? Christmas in a Hurricane… interesting… I’m kinda feeling it…
Thursday, December 01, 2005THE FESTIVUS POLE
THE FESTIVUS POLE is an example of complete and total insanity gone normal. Here is a holiday... completely fabricated with absolutely no relevance but to a TV show about nothing... and now they are even starting to sell these things online!!! Why can I not get in on the ground of all this insanity???
So Pat Malia, one of the guys I went to Texas with, sent me some more pics that I really like... but their digital... and I have nowhere but here to share them... just a few now... cause I'm not looking to overload the whole thing with past glories as this is supposed to be about building my future ones...
Pat Madden, Me, and Big Steve Wilson... if Jerry was here it would have been the only 4 people in all of the company we work for who went to both New Orleans for Katrina and Texas for Rita.
So... that's my big pic update... nothing too exciting... I really should have saved these for future posts... but why wait?
I AM NOT A MIDGET LOVER
Now don’t get me wrong, I don’t hate midgets. They don’t bother me at all. So… perhaps in my social life I have had more of a tendency towards those who are vertically challenged. But does this make me a midget lover??? I certainly don’t think so!!!
So this is what I have been accused of by my 5’10” LJ (Leggy Jamaican). This is why she says I’ll never date her… yet, we’ve been to bars, “made out”, and even went to dinner together where afterwards we held hands. Are these signs I wouldn’t date her??? Even now… right this second we sit 10 feet apart shooting IMs to each other about “midget loving” and “upward reformation”… and here’s the real killer… I ask her to dinner, she blows me off 75% of the time… I ask her to IHOP and get blown off 60% of the time… I ask her to go to Atlantic City and she blows me off so far 100% of the time. Now keep in mind, those are all times when she originally says yes but then something comes up… and then SHE has the nerve to complain about ME being a “midget lover” and not willing to date her. Mind games? Yes… perhaps they are… but they are relatively fun and do pass the time.
The thing is that eventually I’ll tire of the game… get pissed off because I’ve been pissed on… and move back to the vertically challenged. So although girls as tall or taller than me have been a no no… I’m willing to give this one the chance. Blondes are another big no never nunca for me… everytime I got into a relationship with a blonde it ended with me losing a big chunk of myself and if that ever happened again, I probably wouldn’t be here. Then of course there’s the whole religion thing… not being a church goer means anyone who has any sort of religious conviction is going to be hard pressed to go out with me… being the anti-organized religion fanatic I am. Am I picky? No, I don’t think so… but if I’m willing to change my preferences “upward” then why can’t she?
In other news, The Steff seems to be getting back together with Officer Crumb. Am I happy about this? No… not at all… even though it may mean the words I crafted worked and there may be a future for me in writing professional love letters for people. The new guy was nicer to her than Crumb ever was, and at least I got to threaten his life. This creepy little bastard… if he thinks he’s going to do the same thing… treat her like crap, and break her little heart for me to put her back together again… I’ll glue her back with the excess cement after sinking him into the bottom of the east river. Of course… the chances of me coming face to face with Crumb are slim to none unless I decide to make it happen independently. The Steff knows I won’t tolerate this kinda crap... and will undoubtedly try to shield him from me in every way possible. In happier news with The Steff though, she’s going for an interview at a hospital for a job. While I would like to be able to claim no hand in it… well I did rebuild her resume from the ground up, I did happen to write a smashing reference letter and I do happen to know the administrator at the hospital. So… trying to claim no influence is kinda pointless.
Finally… my writing… well… here’s where I’m writing. I really haven’t been able to do anything else… partly for lack of a place and partly for lack of a decent computer. So this is about all I’ve gotten done. I do have a few other things working… but they work really really slowly. But hey… slow isn’t necessarily bad… look at the world’s best barbecue… over 30 hours to cook a rack of ribs!
And all that cal my little droogies… all that cal…