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Monday, December 12, 2005The Truth Of The Matter Is... I Suck
The Truth Of The Matter
So… not only did I attend the funeral this morning… but I did fall into a drunken stupor last night. However, I didn’t really do it alone.
General Christian tradition is to hold a wake for the deceased. Basically they lay in state surrounded by their family, whose friends come and offer condolences on the loss of their loved ones. I hate wakes. I always seem to never know what to say. So after the wake last night for George a bunch of us from Forest Hills, many of whom I haven’t seen in years, gathered together at a local haunt called Gibbons on Woodhaven Boulevard.
We got there around 10:00pm… and didn’t leave until around 3:00am. Needless to say I was intoxicated, inebriated, and ossified. I made it home to find one of my brother’s friends parked in the driveway. I didn’t completely lose my mind… but I strongly suggested he vacate the spot… and he did so.
So… in my drunken state… in between downing my Black and Tans and throwing back shots of Jeigermester… I came to the revelation that the truth of the matter is it may be in front of you but you can’t grab it… and that sucks… and I suck… which is why when I die… I’ll die alone.
It’s actually a depressing revelation… once again riding the line between being alone and loneliness. Of course… not realizing it… I sent it as a text to The Nick. She ended up texting me back when I was already in an unconscious stupor… but at least she texted me back. Of course… she turns around and says “Call me if you want to talk…” I guess she just doesn’t understand… these are things I have the greatest difficulty talking about… hence why instead of talking about them… I write about them.
So the funeral was this morning… and yes… I made it. Standing in the church brought back some memories (I worked in that church for 10 years)… and the cemetery did as well (I worked in the cemetery for 2 summers as a landscaper)… and of course the fact I was in those same places just last week for Kenny’s mom didn’t help the fact that this time I was there for his dad.
The thing is… I know he’s in a better place… but its one helluva trip to get there.
I’m not afraid to make that actual journey when the time comes… I’m just afraid of doing it feeling as empty as I do now. Time will tell…