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Sunday, December 11, 2005The Difference Between Being Alone and Being Lonely
The diference between being alone and being lonely… is there truly a difference? Yes… I would have to say there definitely is.
See… last night I wasn’t “alone”… I spent it with my son and my 4 ex-step kids… we watched some Spongebob and some Cartoon Network before I flipped over to the World Poker Tour and entertained about a zillion questions (all of which I answer every week… but hey… start’em young is what I say) before they all went to bed. So… I definitely was not alone.
Yet… I still felt empty. For yet another week my notebook sat in my bag while I was there… and not a word in it did I write. Laziness? Potentially. Depression? Possibly… that’s really one of the hardest things about writing… actually doing it. It really can be a task if your not in the right mindset.
So I wonder… what bricks make up this wall that is blocking me from doing the writing I want to do? For awhile I thought there was The Steff, The Nick, Christine, and of course the Pudding. But are they really bricks in the wall… or are they the inspiration that drives me? Will the REAL brick in the wall please stand up… please stand up… please stand up.
Ok… maybe I should be standing. Maybe I am the only brick in my wall… but how do I remove myself? Fear definitely has something to do with it… I mean especially after what happened with the Pudding… I fear trusting and loving someone like that again… I fear it worse now than before after Patty broke off our engagement 12 some odd years ago. At least the Pudding said yes, and we were married for 3 years, so at least the “what if?” doesn’t haunt me so badly.
I shouldn’t even be here writing this. I mean, besides the fact that I am surprised how well I’ve kept this up (then again, I’ve always been a page turner as opposed to a talker), I really should be out Christmas shopping. DJ’s Star Wars bike already arrived… I ordered some stuff for The Steff already, but I still need to figure out about the air hockey table she wants… I already got mom and dad the movie tickets… I already got Christine our traditional Xmas/Chanukkah book (this year is the Gunslinger series by Stephen King… then maybe she’ll understand why I think my name should have been Roland instead)… ordered the Rios a picture of her online… got the Barista some DnD coffee and a Target card… but there’s still my brother, The Nick (she mentioned something cashmere), The Pudding (although I did get her the collection of the BK Star Wars figures she wanted), and my aunt in New Hampshire.
So… here I am… haunted by my past… fearing the future… and lonely as all hell while the rest of the world is festive and enjoys the holiday season. I need a few bottles of wine… my Love Actually DVD… and a few days to myself.
Tonight is George’s wake, and the funeral is tomorrow. So it would be bad to sink into a drunken stupor and end up not going… very bad.
Anway… I suppose that’s what is rumbling through my brain… anyone have any ideas to get me out of this slump??? No… I didn’t think so…