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Thursday, November 30, 2006FOAD Thursday... The NaNo Edition
Today is FOAD Thursday on the 30th day of November. I know I predicted you wouldn't see me until December, but I actually did better than I thought I would... well word count wise anyway... but in the meantime, let's tell some rich deserving asshats to Fuck Off And Die, shall we?
If you didn't answer, "Yes we fucking shall!" with enthusiasm, then FOAD. I don't need unthrilled bitches watching the loathing wave I put out... I need riders. Fuck Thursday Thirteen and their comment whores! Subscribe to FOAD! Do it now before I use my Jedi mind powers on you.
To Baskin Robbins and their 31 flavors... for the shittiest ice cream cake I have ever had... FOAD. Now maybe I'm an ice cream cake snob, seeing as how my birthday is in July and I usually get a Cookie Puss from Carvel with the fat ass cookie crunchies, but Tuesday I picked up a cake from Baskin Robbins for one of my dispatcher's because it was her birthday. For some stupid reason, they had me go even though I suck at shit like this. So I got the cookies and cream one. I never asked if there was real cake in it. Its an ice cream cake, so it should be made out of ice cream right? Oh hell no! The bottom was this crappy vanilla wanna be spongecake with a freezer burned Cookies'N'Cream middle. FOAD Baskin... that's the last phony ice cream cake I buy from your dumb asses.
To the United States Post Office... particularly the dumb bitch behind the counter Wednesday morning... FOAD. I may not be very particular about my stamps, but I am particular about whether I lick them or not. Me no licky icky stamp. So when I SPECIFY the self-adhesive sheet and you give me the WRONG KIND don't get ignorant with me when I ask you to swap them out. Now I realize, I stepped to the side of the window to get the mess you handed me back organized, but I hadn't STEPPED AWAY from the window. So when you told me I had to get back on the long ass line from hell... well yeah... I'm gonna 'cause I seen up in there and demand a supervisor... who after dealing with me I hope goes in there tomorrow with a fucking uzi and goes postal on ya dumb ass
To the fool who thought I was the valet at the restaurant Saturday night... you need to FOAD. First of all, even if I was the valet, if you snapped your fingers at me like that I would have still given you the WTF look. Then when I politely inform you that I am not who you think I am you gave me this nasty up and down look as if to ask, "Well what are you doing here then?" The fucking answer is obviously to eat. Finally, the fact that I got a table whereas you had to eat at the bar just proves one obvious statement about life. Three piece suits do not make an intelligent man. Knowing the owner and having reservations make an intelligent man. Obviously my jeans, Sith Lord Hockey Jersey, and leather jacket outfit is that of the more intelligent man who had a table. So because of your obnoxious attitude, poor social skill set, and cheap ass Armani knock-off from Men's Warehouse... FOAD.
Now on to Peace and Love...
So it happened at 12:37 am tonight (or last night depending on when you are reading this). It was a moment of relative joy. I hit the 50,000 word mark. Yes, I have made it to the NaNoWriMo word count. This was not easy... not easy at all. It was a solid 11+ hours of writing today to hit that mark.
It all came crashing down by 12:50am as I began reading what I had indeed written. The smile left my face as I realized that in this proverbial quest for a word count, to achieve this 5 digit goal set before me, I had sacrificed the very thing it was supposed to be. Writing. Sure it starts out okay. Midway I saw some de-evolution as far as dialogue and character development, but that would all be fixable in the edit right? Today's work and the 5,000 words before it was along these lines:
See Dick run. See Jane run. Dick has a gun. Jane screams at Dick. Dick shoots the gun. Jane cries from a hole in her chest. Dick keeps running.Yeah. What a fucking waste. I am reminded of that age old proverb drummed into me by my grandmother, "Haste makes waste." I spend my life making haste... and I have never seen it as a waste until now. So my final word count, on a novel which by the way isn't even finished and is such a complete piece of crap that I wouldn't even line a bird cage with is 50,367.
So... Peace and Love this week goes to myself. I wasted a month of time I could have used on the project that matters. There is no longer doubt that I am a fool. However, I will also share the Peace and Love with anyone who does NaNo and uploads a piece of shit like my own and thinks that makes them a novel writer.
It isn't the number of words that matter. It's the meaning of the words, whether open or covert, that will serve the true purpose of taking the time in placing the pen to the paper.
Wednesday, November 29, 2006The Jedi Test
Barb over at Bloggo Chicago did this... and you all know I can't stay away from anything Jedi related. The Jedi Test:
Yeah... so much for not seeing me right?
So the other night as I went through the blogrolly thingy, some feeds, and a whole shitload of bookmarks I found quite a few defunct blogs. I was a bit torn on whether or not I should delete them or leave them in case they decide to come back and post the true meaning of life or a kick ass chocolate chip cookie recipe.
Now I read a variety of different blogs whose bloggers post at a variety of different times and different content. Everything from those who post once a month to those who post once a day, and from current news to things that happened to them 10 years ago. I even read blogs that I've been known to disagree with, because even though I may disagree with them on one point it doesn't mean I'll disagree with them on ALL aspects of things.
I have no issue with those who take "blogging breaks" because of things beyond their control. Life happens and they may no longer find the time they once had. Yes... maintaining a blog does take time. This was a concept I heard for awhile but failed to comprehend it until a month ago.
There are those who claim to have a sudden onset of "Blogger Block"... where they feel they suck and are boring and have nothing to blog about. The easiest way to break their self-perceived inability is to actually do it. Of course, that really only works on personal blogs, because if you're blogging for a corporation then you want to have a nicely polished piece for posting and the polishing may turn from a polish to a trash by the fourth sentence. I think personal bloggers, on whatever frequency they blog, should be like Nike and just do it. You'll feel better in the end. Really.
However, I get annoyed as fuck by bloggers who drop off the face of the Internet, then come back and are all like "I'm back! Look at me!" for three posts, and then disappear again with no hint of what happened or when they plan on returning. In fact I find that so bitterly annoying I do delete them, and if they discover the true meaning of life or find a great chocolate chip cookie recipe well then I'm sure someone else will profess the true meaning and my chocolate chip cookies will still kick their chocolate chip cookies ass. If you're going to say your back, then be back. Otherwise your just a tease... and I fucking hate that.
For the non-teases, at what point do you let them go? A month? Two months? A year? At what point do you give up on your reads because you feel that they have given up on you?
So besides the fact I really had nothing else to blog about today... the fact is that you probably won't hear from me until December. See that little bar on the side? Yeah... I have some serious catching up to do in the next 36 hours as far as my NaNoWriMo goes. What's 12,000 some odd words in a little less than 36 hours??? It's a piece of mofo chocolate cake... granted this is quite possible even worse than the novel I wrote in college... I still feel the need to finish it. But I assure you, I will be back!!!
Tuesday, November 28, 2006Greeting Cards For All The Alternative People
So during my travels through cyberspace I was directed to this website called Knor Designs. It's actually a very basic website but with a unique twist. It sells a variety of greeting cards that has "Original Artwork with alternative lifestyles in mind". By "alternative" they mean those with a gay/lesbian lifestyle... nothing gothic or grunge in there... at least not yet.
What's really great about the website is that it breaks the cards into five categories: In The Closet, On The Edge, Straight Out, Full Support, and It's All Relative. So basically they have you covered whether you're in the closet or loud and proud about your lifestyle. The actual designs are pretty cool, and as a connoisseur of greeting cards I can say a number of their designs are something you will never find in Hallmark. There are cards for Him and Him, Her and Her, and Breast Cancer Get Well Cards. They even have pet sympathy cards which I thought were the coolest.
So if your living alternatively or just looking for something different, be sure to check out Knor Designs for all your greeting card needs.
BTW... this is in no way shape or form a paid post by Review Me or PayPerPost or anything... but if it'll keep my cousin with the fucked up gaydar from starving to death this winter so I don't have to go up north to bring him coupons then it'll be worth it. So go visit or spread the word, k? Thanks.
Monday, November 27, 2006Ooogle Monday... The Ooogle That Should
Today as you may or may not know is Ooogle Monday here at the APODB. I just want it specifically clear... when I posted last week's Ooogle I had no idea that People Magazine was waiting on me to declare George Clooney The Sexiest Man Alive 2006. I am such a trendsetter I tell you...
Anyway, on with this week's Ooogle aptly titled "The Ooogle That Should"... meaning these are the Ooogles I would pick for sexiest people alive if I wasn't such a trendsetter...
This is Wentworth Miller from Prison Break, the television show. While perhaps not the sexiest pic... he is chained up... so he is at your mercy my lovelies...
This is of course the beautiful Tila Tequila of The Evil Empire Fame. This is truly a great photo taken by Kristin Burns. It is definately a departure from Tila's usual T&A pics... and one long awaited.
I know its not Thursday, but I need to put this out there because I'm likely to blow a gasket over it if I don't.
On Wednesday of this week "The Tree" will be lit at Rockefeller Center. Anyone notice anything amiss with that? Right... the word "Christmas" has been dropped. Every referral to "The Tree" locally has been just that, to "The Tree". I made the mistake of calling it "The Christmas Tree" and was immediately told that it is to be referred to as "The Tree" or by it's call sign. Yeah, I know... sounds stupid to have a secret call sign for "The Tree"... but it's on the top 10 list in the city for terrorist targets so wtfeva.
So yeah... I'm a little pissed. The city of Roanoke, Virginia got it right. They dropped the "Holiday Tree" title and correctly have renamed it a "Christmas Tree". Auburn University in Alabama has also found a way to correctly call their tree a "Christmas Tree". Even the Federal Government has called their tree "The Capitol Christmas Tree". So wtf is up New York? Afraid to say the "C" word?
Now in all fairness... the word Christmas hasn't been TOTALLY dropped. The Rockefeller Center website it is still referred to it as "The Rockefeller Center Christmas Tree" in certain places. NBC is still calling the special they will air as "Christmas in Rockefeller Center". It just seems the rest of the city is walking a gray line in what they call it to try and avoid the controversies that happened last year.
I say to hell with the line. To hell with political correctness. We're New Yorkers for heaven's sake... since when are we dictated to what we call our big evergreens? Considering all the other trash both the New York Daily News and New York Post print, calling it a Christmas Tree will be the least of their issues. Call it what it's supposed to be called and has been known as for the last hundred or so years in this country... a Christmas Tree. If not... fine... just FOAD.
BTW... this is not a pro-christian or specifically a pro-christianity nutjob post. I hate those fuckers more than I hate rhubarb pie... and I despise fucking rhubarb pie. I'm just really tired of political correct bullshit being shoved down my gullet for no reason.
So now that I feel all better and shit for getting that off my chest... allow me to let you in on a little secret... yeah... I'm at work. Sucks right? Actually I like working overnights... just not here. I'd prefer to be lurking in the shadows and lighting up the streets.
So instead of boring the shit out of all of you by just rambling... I'm going to *GASP* go through the blogrolly thing. Maybe I'll update it... maybe I won't. But at the very least... I'll do the click.
Sunday, November 26, 2006Sunday Smorgashboard Edition 3
Once again for Sunday I have compiled a list of things going on in my part of the blogosphere...
Labels: Smorgashboard Sunday
Saturday, November 25, 2006Gotcha
Well it looks like some people were paying attention to blogs as opposed to the sales circulars. I have to admit I was impressed with the tact of the comments... but of course leave it to my beloved Denise to come out and ask, "Did you get her pregnant???" Well... let me explain.
So on my last post I told you I had a picture I was going to upload but since I wasn't home I couldn't. Well here is that picture...
Yep, I got my Thanksgiving cherry pie from The Steff. I get cherry pie from her twice a year, Thanksgiving and Christmas. Cherry pie is my favorite, and she is the only person who has ever trekked the 9 miles to my favorite bakery for a cherry pie just for me. That, to me, is true love.
In return of course, and I guess this is the price I have to pay for pie, she needs to go shopping for a baby shower that she has to go to on Sunday. No, it isn't her own. It's actually for a girl who I trained something like 11 years ago and who I happen to know. The girl is also best friends with The Donkey's sister, and since she is the one throwing the shower well now The Steff has to go. So tomorrow, when I should be at Borders revitalizing my life as a journalist, I'll be in Babies R Us looking at bottles and diapers.
So ultimately the answer is no, I did not get The Steff pregnant. It's kinda hard to do that for me anyway. The fact that she has a boyfriend and I look at her more like a sister aside, because that would require a trip to the bank and a turkey baster.
I bet you thought those things only got used on Thanksgiving didn't you... heh.
Friday, November 24, 2006It's Friday... True Love
It's Black Friday. For an explanation about it go see Soda.
There should be a picture I took last night here where this is. Maybe later when I get home I'll upload it so you can see. It's what true love is all about. At least to me.
If you're dying to know what it is... well, let me just fuel the gossip hounds in the blogosphere... tomorrow The Steff and I are going to Babies R Us.
Yeah. I'm thrilled.
Thursday, November 23, 2006FOAD Thursday... The Thanksgiving Edition
So today in the United States of America is the holiday of Thanksgiving. Being thankful is not an alien concept to me contrary to what people may believe. I'm just not a big believer that giving thanks should be done once a year. I tend to think that if you are a thankful person to begin with , then you give thanks when you wake up in the morning, give thanks throughout the day, and then give thanks when you snuggle into your bed at night. There are things I am thankful for... but not that thankful. However, I am all for the food tradition. Specifically the leftovers... because there is nothing like leftover turkey on fresh bakery rye bread with mayonnaise while watching David Letterman.
Everyone is not necessarily thankful for the same things. I'm sure everyone who dragged their little 5 year olds covered in garbage bags to the Macy's Parade Route at 4:00am this morning in the rain and cold were thankful that the balloons flew, albeit lower, this morning. I'm sure everyone who is a football fan is eating heartily and being thankful that there are 3 American Football games on the television today. I'm sure everyone who is employed in non-service industries are thankful they aren't at work today. Everyone is thankful for things that are usually specific for them. I'm really no different. Well... okay... I'm a tad bit different.
So here's a bunch of things that I am thankful for. The family that was bestowed upon me through sheer luck. Those partners I have worked with who have learned to put up with my manical ways skillfully. Of course I am also very thankful for my friends, both online and off, who are there for me both when I am mute and moody as well as yappy and stewpid. Most of all though, I am thankful for my braincells that allow me to discern right from wrong, good from bad, and genius from ambiently stupid. It is also these brain cells that give me the gusto for most things here and the innate force that drives me to tell the things that annoy me most to Fuck Off And Die.
I am thankful for the ability to tell the parents who dragged their 5 year olds covered in garbage bags to Broadway at West 53 Street for the Parade to be "on the curb" that they need to FOAD. Do you really think they are having fun? Don't you think 5 minutes spent to watch the weather forecast the night before would've given you a clue at the very least that rain coats and boots might have been in order? Just because you have the ability to reproduce, doesn't necessarily mean you should, k?
I am thankful for the power to tell the football fans with turkey grease all over their mouths to FOAD. It is bad enough that the televisions become slaves to you on Sundays during your season, but to add insult to your family the day of togetherness is interrupted with your adolescent cheers and childish tantrums over a game that is 60 minutes long but takes 3 hours or more to play. For all you women who profess the same devotion to this sport on this day you also need to FOAD. While your men may find it nice to not have someone nag about the game, those of us with a clue know the only reason your watching is because you gave up trying to fight the male imposed holiday system. But I know the real reason you watch... fantasizing about the players stuffing and basting your insides. Heh. Now you know what we're thinking about at the ballet.
I am thankful for the competency to eat well cooked foods, the foresight to know that when the popper on the turkey is not up the bird is not done, and the intelligence to avoid the ham that jiggles like a jello mold. To those of you who undoubtedly do not have such abilities and engorge yourself with the sweetly rotted yams, the greasy undercooked turkey, the fungus infested ham, the jalapeno' spiced cauliflower, and all other things that your digestive system does not handle during the course of the year. You need to FOAD... and do it without calling 911. Now if you must absolutely call 911, then you are required to either vomit in the privacy of your own bathroom or wait until you get to the hospital. Failure to comply will result in this fowl being your next Thanksgiving dinner.
Wednesday, November 22, 200610,000 Bears!!!
Okay, so the holidays are upon us whether we are ready or not. Tomorrow most people will sit around tables, stuff your faces, and cause an overdose of tryptophan that will induce your bodies to manufacture niacin and therefore will stimulate your bodies to produce serotonin which will knock your fat asses out by 8:00pm. Then at 4:00am Friday morning, the shopping will begin with the first of the Black Friday sales.
However it is important to remember that it is not just the shopping that begins on Friday, but the whole holiday season of giving. So therefore, keeping that in mind while you scramble for SuperStar Elmo and whatever Bratz doll you think is the least sluttiest (right... as if there were such a thing)... there is an aisle inbetween you WILL stop in. You WILL stop in the Teddy Bear aisle. You NEED some Teddy Bears. You NEED to mail them to her. You NEED to do this immediately.
/Jedi Mind Trick
Now I know that Rachel says she only wants 300 bears. I say "Why so few?" I say, let's send her 10,000 Bears For Xmas!!! Her cause is a great one... it's the Phoenix Children's Hospital. Did my Jedi Powers not completely compel you to buy a bear and send it? That's okay... she'll take donations via PayPal and save you Scrooges the headache AND a visit from Santa's "Send a bear or I'll break your legs!" Elf.
If you do nothing else this holiday season... do the right thing. You'll feel better in the morning for it... and less fat... promise.
What am I doing for the holiday? Working of course... someone needs to bring your asses to the hospital to have your stomachs pumped. Might as well be me.
Tuesday, November 21, 2006Happy Feet, Journals, and Transvestites Oh My
Ok. Now who in their right mind would think of a title for a post like that? Right. Obviously someone wacked out of their gourd. I never said I was sane... just that I was rightfully the way I am... oh, and this'll end up being a long ass one... just like the title.
So Sunday I took DJ to go see the movie Happy Feet. Now on one hand, I have to give the animators credit because they worked real life humans in very nicely. On the other hand, I have to decry the cheap adult pops the writers were looking for. Within the first fifteen minutes of the film the two "lead" penguins go from almost kissing, cowgirl, to her going down on him, him going down on her, doggystyle, and finally ended with some missionary. Granted it all took about 5 seconds... and while innocent to the eyes of children... we adults get it. Keep in mind, this is not a Shrek or satirical in any form. It's a story of a penguin who can't hold a tune, therefore can't find a mate, but he can dance like a fool and that makes him an outcast. Of course he goes on to change his world to accept him for who he is and in the end there is fish for all by contacting the "aliens" and communicating to them their needs. I really wasn't crazy about it... but DJ liked it and that's really all that matters I guess.
So afterwards we walked through the plaza of the mall and I took a picture of him by a big teddy bear, that after some photoshopping I've decided will be the family Christmas card. Across the plaza however there was a sign. This is a sign I have waited for quite awhile. It is a one word sign. BORDERS. Yes... finally there is a Borders close to where I live! Now I love Borders as opposed to Barnes & Noble for a multitude of reasons. Their support of gaming lines from both Wizard and Wizkids is one, but usually they also have a nice little cafe where you can sit and enjoy yourself for a moments rest. I had no clue they had opened. In fact... I had wanted to work there part time for the discount. So of course we went right over to check it out.
So going into the store I was greeted with the new store scent of freshly laid carpet. My sniffer is shot to shit so if I can smell it... it is STRONG. We went first to the "Kids" section... 'cause... well you know the patience of an empty-handed 5 year old really isn't something to put to a test. So with a new SpongeBob Book in hand we finally got to the Fantasy/Sci-Fi section. Let me just say that most fantasy sections are either 5 or 8 shelves high and usually a total of 6 actual cases. This store has 10 cases with 10 shelves each. Oh the Fantasy/Sci-Fi goodness contained there was incredible! I did a quick title inventory. MechWarrior, check. WarHammer 40,000, check. Dragonlance, check. Star Wars, check.
Once all my series titles were confirmed as being present in the store I pulled against the tugging to the blank journal aisle near the front. Okay... the selection really was not that great... only 4 cases at the standard 4 shelves high. The tugging persisted, and at this point I gave in. We went to the register and paid for SpongeBob's Class Confusion and slipped out the door into the brisk air.
So on the five block walk home I decided I will start a journal. Now most people may say, "But a blog is a journal!" or worse, "A journal is a blog!" and I will admit I thought the same thing once too. It isn't though. I've been journaling on and off for 19 years. Sometimes journals are harder to write in... I have a shitload of books with two or three months and then an entry a year or two later. Sometimes they are easier... I filled a journal once (160 pages) with writing within 3 months. I have a long history of journals.
The 160 page journal was written in 2004. It was by far some of the absolute best writing I have ever done. It wasn't too deep or philosophical. It was in fact pretty much how I write here. The thing is there were two words at the top of every page. Dear XXXXX (XXXXX is not the person's name if you must know... changed simply to protect me from being guilty of things I shouldn't be). They were more letters than journal entries. Something that became so damn habitual it has pretty much crippled me in my writing. No... the NaNo is not completely dead. I just need a jump start on it... but its the same problem. That book was in so many ways more than a book. It was me. What did I do with it? I gave it away... and got a Zippo in return. I love that lighter... but sometimes I want to re-read that book.
However my most prized journal I have written is one I was not alone in writing. A green celtic leather cover over a black plain sketchbook became my work of art. It started out more as a scrapbook in 1999 (see... I started this scrapbooking craze... just like Al Gore gave me the Internet) until my girlfriend at the time got a hold of it. She made an entry herself... and it turned from a one sided journal to a running book of gooshy wuv stuff. I would write her at night... and she would write me in the morning. This was the way of it went for months. Then... one day when I really had nothing left to write... I stopped. So did she. Roughly around the time we forgot why we were together.
It was still all there though. Every word... every intention... all the wuv... and some moments of stress. It was that book that actually brought us back together in 2000... and of course the rest is the story of my life. The girlfriend I speak of was my ex-wife, Pudding. Although that book ultimately brought me back to something that has caused me so much pain and agony... I treasure it above all the rest.
Oh and there are others. My pink covered spiral notebook from Freshman year in high school with the opening entry that read, "Ms. Conboy's tits are so HUGE!" My black leather covered one from college with the opening entry that reads, "'Life is a jest and all things show it, I thought so once but now I know it'- John Gay, My Own Epitaph... and I shall write in here words as wise, if not wiser than his." Then of course there is my green camping journal from my scouting years with the opening entry that read, "It is cold out. We need to build..." and of course the rest of the page is ripped out... because we burned it and about half the rest of the book to start a fire.
Yeah. I love my journals. So I've decided that Saturday morning... even though I have a dozen or so blank ones sitting around... I'm going to Borders. I'm buying myself a new journal. I'm bringing a pen. I'm ordering a hot chocolate. I'm gonna sit my ass in one of those cafe seats all day if I want. I'm returning to my roots. Let some Yuppie scum try to interrupt that journey. Then you'll be able to find them in the history section. Ya digg?
Finally I gave a preview to my critics over at the forum to my holiday template. I know, I was all bah-humbuggy last week... but Denise has had hers for awhile... and now KG, accidental or not, has hers... so fuck I want one too. Of course... I'm resorting to the do-it-yourself method because no one makes pre-mades for us guys... but whateva.
So I found a few naughty Santas/Elves to grace my template and this one stood out to everyone as fugly. In fact... they said she is a tranny. No, not a transmission! A TRANSVESTITE... you know... a DUDE in GIRL'S clothing! So I want to know what you think. I think it's because she's an Asian mix... and I dig me some Asian every now and then... but I could be wrong. I mean... she has Ooogle Monday worth melons. However it has been pointed out to me that with PhotoShop, anything is possible. So let me know what you think.
Even if she is a transvestite... she sure is a sweet one at that.
Monday, November 20, 2006Ooogle Monday... The Thanksgiving Edition
So today is once again Monday and I am called forth to provide you with some eye candy to Ooogle for the week. So here is this week's picks for Ooogle Monday...
Ladies you should all be thankful for guys like George Clooney who remind us there is such as thing as class... and not the kind you get dismissed from.
Fellas we need to be thankful for Hooters and their girls. It is there we can safely drop all this class bullshit the women demand from us at home... and stare at some really nice ta-tas.
Have a happy week...
Sunday, November 19, 2006Sunday Smorgashboard Edition 2
So here's a bunch of stuff that went on this past week throughout my Blogosphere...
So I seriously need to relay this story before I forget it. Yesterday I went with The Steff and Zooted and Polluted to the local AC Moore Craft Store. It turns out they were having a sale, and The Steff had these coupons for 50% off a regularly priced item. Now we're all about AC Moore and crafty stuff, because even though we're clueless, we like to think we're crafty. Besides... I like their photo frames.
So we go into the store and it is MOBBED. I hate stores. I hate crowded stores even more. Luckily, we're pretty much on the same wave length so it turned from an "Ooooh let's browse" casual trip to a "Get the shit and get the fuck out! NOW BEOTCH!" trip. Scrapbooking aisle was literally 5 minutes to go through thousands of papers and little stickers and addons. The frame aisle took 10 minutes and that's only because Zooted and Polluted kept finding new frames that were "cute". Luckily no one was there for the frames.
We were looking at a nice low 15 minute trip until the walk down the back aisle to the register. The Steff has a shopping kryptonite. Samples. She is a sucker for a free sample. The entire back aisle was lined with sample tables.
First was the candy melter lady who dipped a pretzel into chocolate for her and then told her about all the different things you could dip into chocolate. When she hit Cheez Doodles I had to walk away. Then there was the free ornament station. She made a snowman. Finally, there was the Make Your Own Cookie Stand with the decorations. She made two sugar cookies... one that she said was for me but she ate it too. Zooted was having none of it, and we were just laughing the whole way about chocolate covered Cheez Doodles and The Steff going into a diabetic coma from all the sugar.
Then we got to the register. Now while these free samples are The Steff's kryptonite, she will rarely buy the product unless it is outrageously good. Apparently the woman in front of us did not have as strong a willpower. She had literally 25 tubes of the decorative frosting. Additionally... she had around 15 tubes of acrylic paints. In fact (see where I'm going yet?) those tubes look ALOT alike.
So... I have decided I will avoid working Queens this week. Why? Because if I get the call for the "Acrylic Consumption Poisoning" I most certainly will be bitch slapping that woman into next week. It isn't a question of if it will happen. It is just a question of when.
Labels: Smorgashboard Sunday
Saturday, November 18, 2006Ambient PS3 Stupidity
Last night my brother and I were having dinner with my mom. It's actually a big deal to get the two of us at a table together... something that usually doesn't happen except for Sundays during football season and holidays. It isn't that we hate each other, but our work schedules are usually wacked out and we pass each other constantly. Since he started a new job this week we've seen each other more at the table during a weeknight this week than in the past 7 years.
You also need to understand that my brother is by far a much more avid gamer than I am. After spending many years dominating him in all sorts of games... well I don't think I've legitimately beat him in a game since 1999 unless it was Super Mario Bros. Super Cart. He in fact has every console game system made since Super Nintendo and is constantly playing City of Heroes on a supped up piece of Alienware I will freely admit I drool over on a quasi-regular basis.
So last night's conversation went like this:
Me: I'm surprised your here and not getting your PS3 hooked up.
Him: Not getting it.
Him: Yeah. It's too hyped, has had shitty demos and benchmarks, and is Nintendo's version of the crappy GameCube.
Me: Funny, I was thinking the same thing. I think Blue-Ray is overhyped.
Him: Definately. Besides, I'd rather get the Wii on Sunday than get shot by some stupid ass thug who's gonna just sell it on E-Bay for more than any sane person should pay for a system to an unhappy customer who'll come looking for me when it overheats. Ever notice how everytime a new system hits there is a "component" shortage. It's just a ploy to increase demand. There are plenty of components out there and a shitload of people who know the concepts of Supply and Demand working for Sony. Everyone else is just too stupid to figure it out.
I found that last statement kinda funny... considering he was camped out at a Best Buy last year for XBox 360. Seriously. We didn't see him for a week... and when he came home he smelled like he had been gone for a week. So you know it is really bad when a hardcore gamer such as my brother would rather get a Nintendo console that is billed for kids than the Sony console billed as "The Ultimate Next Generation Gaming Console". It makes you wonder what those people are thinking.
It also makes you wonder what these people are thinking. Apparently, they are raising money to buy a PS3 so that they can smash it. Yep, you heard me right. They bought a PS3 and smashed it. Here's the video...
Sadly... I tend to think they were the smart ones... while those suffering from ambient stupidity continue their quest to overpay for a product that won't yield it's true worth for years.
Friday, November 17, 2006Save The Drama For The Baby Momma
So today is Friday. Thank goodness... it just seems like it has been a hellish week for whatever reason. Last night was particularly disparaging as I had a refresher in things that will go boom and kill you. I keep trying to tell them that I learned my lesson about that type of shit awhile ago... which means if "the tree" is "hot" I'm getting four flats fast. They just don't listen. Oh well.
This week I rented some space at a few blogs. The APODB is crashing over at Amy's Musings this week. It's a nice little place... very comfy and homey... and best of all... her template has ORANGE!!! Woo-hoo!!! So I fit right in. Go say hi. TADE is staying over at Pics of the Week. Not your atypical photoblog... but he has some seriously funny pics over there. Go check that out too.
I still am not renting here though. Still not feeling it. Apparently there are alot of other people not feeling it too. Whereas I used to see and easy dozen plus blogs up for rent... the going number this week has been 7. Yep... at any given moment there are 7 blogs up for rent. Is the Rent-My-Blog frenzy over? Did I kill it? Well, as much as I'd like to think I'm all important and shit, I'm really not. I do think though that it is definately waning in popularity and has for awhile.
I did catch one renter who had their blog up for 500 credits. Their reasoning was they've been on a BOTB losing streak and needed credits. This is something I can never understand. I have been on a serious losing streak lately. In fact I've fallen something like 20 spots. Whereas Soda used to be on the same page as me in the rankings, well I've fallen WAY behind. Whateva. So I lose and people hate me. That's okay... I don't mind being hated for whatever trivial reasons they feel. I just don't get how people use Rent-My-Blog because they are low on credits. If I vote for an entire page of BOTB's, that's almost 30 credits guaranteed... 37 if Hamburger's battling. So I don't get it.
I did rent my blog twice for 500 credits just to see who would bid. Ano did once for Dead Silence... and Lisa did when she first un-Fooked her blog. I never got Ano's credits otherwise I would have given them back to her... which I guess is one of the 5 Trouble Tickets outstanding at BE. I'm pretty sure I refunded Lisa's credits... if I didn't I definately should have. I'm not going to go into a whole rant about Rent-My-Blog value. I did that already. I just still don't get it.
The only real drama this week has been from Pudding. Well... it's going on more like 2 weeks now... but nothing else happened so I may as well mention this now because at some point later I am sure there will be an FOAD to come out of this.
So she decided that with her new Life Partner (LP), that they are going to buy a house in New Jersey. It really isn't that far... only 45 minutes from where she lives now. One of the key reasons is that her LP was transferred out there for work. So now her commute sucks. I'm not going to talk about how I commuted 2 and a half hours every week and slept on a futon for months or all the sacrifices I ended up making for naught. I'm not bitter or anything... its just ironic in a way.
So to buy this house that they have selected guess what they need? Right. Money in the bank. Guess who's money they want? Right. Mine. Well not just mine... mine and ex-husband #1. Now understand something, I might bitch about her and whine about her, but in the end she is the mother of my son... and I guess yeah... to some degree I still deep down want her to be happy... 'cause a happy momma better equal a happy son... so if this is what will do it then so be it. So I'm giving her the money. She says she'll pay me back as soon as they close... she just needs it in the bank. Whatever. It'll make her happy and ultimately it is better for the Wolves to live in a house than above a sex shop in my honest opinion.
Ready for the kicker? Well she has had this friend who I am going to call Stupid Fucking Whore (SFW). I cannot stand this friend. I hate her with all that is within me. Why? Because she did nothing but cause problems between us, she's cheated on her husband a shitload of times, and I just can't stand her. There was a time we were friends... in fact, one night we were drunk and things could have happened... but I knew she was a whore and left her standing in the kitchen. This apparently is what caused her bitterness towards me and why she created problems for me both with Pudding and at my job. So she is just a SFW, k?
So guess where SFW lives? Yeah... Jersey. I didn't put it together until the Wolf known as Professor blurted it out while I was re-arranging shit on his MySpace. It turns out the house the happy couple wants to buy is directly behind SFW. DIRECTLY BEHIND. Ontop of all this... SFW has a daughter the same age as DJ, my actual biological son. Turns out they've been playing together. Turns out... after some spotlight interrogation and tickle torture he "likes" her. Oh fucking no.
So I called Pudding on it this week. She was a little bit taken aback... but finally admitted that all the intel I had garnered was true. I advised her our relationship has now changed. I am no longer a lender. Fuck that. I'm a partner. In fact I am a partner with a specific section of the new house. Her LP readily agreed... although they said they'd still pay me back... which I think took Pudding by surprise. It seems her LP has been learning things I already knew... and we're on the same page more and more.
So you may be wondering what section of the house I have chosen. Simple really. The backyard... and this is what's going there...
... and no SFW is breaking my fucking wall.
Thursday, November 16, 2006It's Another FOAD Thursday With A Special Message
So today is yet another edition of the beautiful themed Fuck Off And Die Thursday. This is by far my favorite blogging day of the week... and I have some special Peace and Love to share today. However, first, we need to FOAD a few things.
First and foremost I must send an FOAD out to all the shitty ass drivers on the road who don't understand the concept of the accelerator on the right and the brake on the left. Now I realize it may be cloudy... but the roads are not wet so crawling at the pace of snail must be secondary to confusion over which pedal to step on.
I would like to say FOAD to everyone who has been pissy, bitchy, and downright obnoxious and then blame it on this Mercury retrograde thing because some idiot from 1-800-Astrology told them it was because of this. Now I do have someone in particular who has been nothing but a holier than thou twat and then blamed it on the stars as to why they are unable to be a normal human being towards those around them. I am sure there are more like her out there somewhere. What the fuck is your excuse for the rest of the year? If you continue to insist on this excuse then I'll be forced to take a handful of mercury thermometers and retrograde them in your ass, k? So FOAD you bitch and all those like you.
I would like to send an FOAD out to Wolfgang Kaleck and his band of merry lawyers from Germany. See, Wolfgang and his boys are seeking to bring Donald Rumsfeld up on war crimes. Now I'm all for free speech and world courts and happy stuff like that... but when a GERMAN tries to bring an AMERICAN up on WAR CRIMES... oh fucking hell no. See Wolfgang Assmunch... I am an American for one reason and one reason only if the truth must be told. His name was Adolf Hitler... and he committed REAL WAR CRIMES against GERMANS... namely two of my great-grandparents. Hell, if it wasn't for that fuckhead I'd probably be living in a castle somewhere in the Black Forest getting my schnitzel serviced by some busty blonde barmaid. However since Adolf dispossessed one half of my family, and then tried to exterminate the other side, I'm all for America. So here's what I suggest... put down the fucking stein and go get a real job in a country that has been unified for more than twenty years. FOAD Wolfgang Assmunch... let's not try to impress your oh so outstanding Germanic morals on the world through the World Courts when half your country still belongs in Stalin's Gulag. Now if his last name would have been Yakimoto and he had been from Japan... then I really would not be feeling this way if the truth must be told.
And now... a special message for all of you video bloggers out there...
Yes... Peace and Love to all you bookcase insisting video bloggers. Let's stop being boring intellectuals and start livening up the show, k? Don't make me do another one of these down the road... because that's where the cemetary is. Ya dig?
Wednesday, November 15, 2006Ba WTFeva
So for some reason everyone seems to be in the Christmas spirit all of a sudden. It isn't just relegated to KG or T anymore... but it seems everywhere I turn there is talk of Christmas, holiday lights are up, Menorahs are being erected, and all the drugstores have the "Seasonal" aisle filled with red, green, and blue. It's like a disease.
This has therefore given me a little bit of a complex... so tonight after working the show at Irving Plaza I decided to go to these all night little conveniences and find me a Santa hat for this year. Now I am dually motivated because I still need to do my Christmas cards and I'll need the hat for that. Now these stores are all up on the holiday since November 1, so I figured no problem right?
Well the first one I went to, a Walgreens on Queens Boulevard and Yellowstone Boulevard, where there were tree skirts, balls, candles, candy canes, jiggling laughing snowmen, fake snow, lights, garland, tinsel, gingerbread house kits, and everything else you can think of having to do with Christmas. It was a fucking Christmas Wonderland up in there. I couldn't however find a hat. So I figured I'd ask for help seeing as how much shit they had out, maybe I was in the wrong aisle. The clerk told me they had sold out of the Santa hats. Right. That's what I said. They SOLD OUT. Next was the Duane Reade on Continental Avenue... guess what? Yep, stockings galore but no hats. Finally, I went to the CVS on Woodhaven and found a hat.
Now understand this... I hate the hat. It's shitty and says "Christmas in New York" with a baseball cap back for fatheads. I know where I fucking live and I don't need to be reminded it is Christmas because you idiots are already shoving it down my throat. I bought it anyway out of spite. I probably won't use it in the card, but I was so pissed over the whole thing... well I got it anyway. It made me mad and just furthers the proof that this holiday totally sucks.
The fact the invites to the Holiday Party went out today... and I once again have no one to go with, because I don't dare count on the girl who flaked on me for the 35th Hills dinner, really has nothing to do with it. Oh and if I see one more post with the "Only 40 Days To Christmas" header I am so FOADing you this week. Wait till next Friday before you all start your merry shit.
To hell with it. I'm trolling GothMatch.com for a date. When I find someone with multi-colored dreads and a bull ring I'm gonna pay that bitch to come. That'll turn a few fucking heads.
Tuesday, November 14, 2006Sponsored Post: ReviewMe
There has been alot of controversy regarding the PayPerPost service. Basically what PayPerPost does is pay bloggers for reviewing and including links to products and services. One of the main focal points of the criticism about it has been its lack of insisting on a disclosure by the blogger that the post is actually sponsored and they are receiving monetary compensation for the post.
The Internet is similar to the business world in that the ultimate goal is to build a better mousetrap than the guy before you. Enter ReviewMe, a new service that pays bloggers for their reviews of products. I got tipped off about this service by The Ice Chewing Queen, and after Virginia mentioned that she was rejected, well I wanted something to rant about so I figured a rejection from them might be what I need to set me off.
Alas, I wasn't rejected. In fact ReviewMe not only accepted me, but they also are sponsoring this post about themselves. Normally, I would shun something like this. The fact is that in general I would berate it and call them corporate mongers and bloggers who participate as sell outs. Yet here I am, doing a sponsored post about ReviewMe. You may be asking yourself if I quit my job and needed an alternative source of income quickly, to which I assure you that is not the case... yet.
The fact is I like ReviewMe's style much better than PayPerPost. First off, they REQUIRE you to disclose the post is sponsored. They give a few examples, and I chose the header of Sponsored Post: to be my disclosure. The second thing I liked about them was that they set the price for a post on your blog... not the price the sponsor is willing to pay. They have in fact placed a value on your space. For me, it's a $40 price tag of which I will see $20. The Ice Chewing Queen is getting $30 but that's because she is SO much more popular than I am. She does chew ice live on her webcam afterall. They not only take hits into account, but also RSS Feed subscribers. I have no idea how they do that, but I find it to be an excellent approach to blog value. Afterall, content is king isn't it? Oh and clicks have absolutely nothing to do with it at all.
The third thing... and this is the part I truly love... they do not allow sponsors to require a positive post like PayPerPost allows. So if someone wants me to post about their book, movie, or product and I think it sucks... I can say it sucks and they pay me. Heh. Yeah... that's cool. So let's test that out shall we?
The truth is ReviewMe is another way for people with personal blogs to sell out the very ideals that their blog is based on and shove more advertising down the unsuspecting gullets of their readers. Sites like ReviewMe are nothing but corporate mongers hiding behind the "Web 2.0" label so they can make a buck. While a 200 word post @ $20 is technically 10 cents a word, which is the going freelance rate in most magazines, these people are making an ADDITIONAL $20 off of YOUR WORDS and most importantly the READERS who want to read ABOUT YOU! There is a reason it is called a PERSONAL BLOG and not a REVIEW OF PRODUCTS BLOG! Sure you can have one of those... but really... how popular are they? No really, think about it... how many readers would you have if you just blogged about hair products?
A reader does not read your personal blog to find out about cool new hair products, new perfumes, golf outings, or magazines you've never read. They are there to read about YOU. I will never disgruntle anyone for trying to exploit the corporate advertising dollar on a blog about things such as hair products, perfumes, golf, or magazines. I do have a problem with people trying to do it on their personal blogs. Now I'm not a draconian... and if you do it well that's up to you. I won't stop reading you. However, I will assure you that ANYTHING you post about I WILL PURPOSELY AVOID. Yes... those advertisers will be driving away a customer... even if it is for Entenmann's chocolate chip crumb loaf... I will stop eating Entenmann's all together. ReviewMe makes it SO easy to identify those advertisers. I never have to troll their site comparing offers to recent posts like I do now with PayPerPost.
Overall I think ReviewMe is honestly the best way for bloggers trying to become the next Engadget to perhaps pay for a month's worth of broadband. The click ads surely don't pay for it no matter how many you put on a page, and those monetizing your RSS Feeds are surely guilty of vampiric blog reader syndrome if you think that actually does anything other than piss people off. As for personal bloggers who use it... well you're not being personal anymore you corporate sell outs. You're just another corporate drone that is propaganding the same old thing for the powers that be. You are one of the mass followers of sheep, having given up the individuality and originality you supposedly craved when you started your personal blog, all in the name of profit. Right this way to the slaughterhouse my little lambs...
This is a sponsored post by ReviewMe. Will you be seeing more sponsored posts here at APODB? No. You won't. This is my first and last "sponsored" post. This ultimately is a personal blog and therefore I will be sponsoring it myself. If ReviewMe does pay up the $20 for this post I will donate it somewhere. Anyone have any ideas, say so in the comments. I doubt they'll pay though... which will prove the whole negative reviews allowed aspect of their site must not be good enough for the gander.
Now I'm going to go harrass The Ice Chewing Queen for some of her Bath and Body Works stuff she got with her money so I can scrub the slimey filth of being a corporate mongering sell out off myself.
Monday, November 13, 2006Ooogle Monday... Lost For An Ooogle
So today is once again Ooogle Monday. I have to be honest... I was a little lost when it came to thinking of an Ooogle theme... so I decided on Lost for more than one reason. So here is the Lost Ooogle...That is Josh Holloway. I heard he was considered a hawty. I don't see it... I hope the harem does...
That is Elizabeth Mitchell in her younger years... before The Santa Clause 2, before CSI, before ER, and definately before Lost. She was a hawty then... and now... when you take into consideration Tim Allen has had his paws on her... well she was a hawty then.
So yesterday was e-mail and phone call day. I suppose I'll talk about the phone call first. It came from my old partner Freakzilla. Since I saw the call was from him I answered it with my usual ghetto superstar, "Wassup nigga?"
He countered with "So tell me, where was your cracker buffing ass 5 years ago today?"
Now I knew the answer... I was on The Rock. No, not Alcatraz! The Rock in New York is more formally known as Far Rockaway and is basically an island that sits off of southern Queens and Brooklyn which is home to a number of neighborhoods. The area became culturally famous through The Ramones song, Rockaway Beach.
So 5 years ago Freakzilla and I were on The Rock working. It wasn't our normal place of operation although we would get re-deployed down there if the battalion ran short during the winter from bangouts which it frequently did. But that morning... well the first report of a plane crash had come over the frequency around 9:20am. We would learn later on that it was American Airlines Flight 587 that was bound for the Dominican Republic.
We were in the middle of a tour change... so all four of us jumped into the truck and headed down there. We gave the dispatcher a 15 minute ETA which beat everyone else coming from the mainland... and even though later on the dispatcher would claim he never assigned us the call and that we had acted on our own, no charges were ever brought against us. The fact was simple... we were recorded as saying 15 minutes, we were there in 14 minutes, and unlike the vast majority of the units on the scene we actually transported a live patient. The fact that we blew through the safety line may have had something to do with that... but wtfeva.
So Freakzilla told me that they had finally finished the memorial and dedicated it. The memorial is at Beach 116 Street... which is kinda of odd because we were staged at Beach 130 Street. So that puts the memorial around 15 blocks off from the site. I'm sure there was something about it in the papers... but I never caught it.
We agreed that sometime this week we would have to go... if for no other reason than to see what the memorial looked like... but in reality it's to go and remember that yeah, 5 years ago we made it happen under a cloud of black smoke and the sound of jet fighters overhead. Maybe something there will remind us why we did it. It's becoming harder to remember as each day goes by why we did the things we did... and understand why we no longer have the gumption to do them.
Which kinda brings me to the e-mail... and no it isn't hatemail or anything, which kinda reminds me I really haven't had a very hateful post recently, so obviously I need to scour the 'net some more to find something to rage about, not that I would get any hatemail because I never do because I don't rate, but I am digressing. So I've been all NaNoWriMoing along after having taken Saturday off from it. I had sent the first 8,000 or so words to a friend I have in California for him to read and tell me what he thought.
He sent me an e-mail reply last night. The e-mail was pretty short. In fact it was 5 words long, and 2 of those words were his signature. So the 3 words comprising the meat of the message was, "It lacks passion." Yeah. Not much of a critique you would think... but enough for me. Part of me wants to say, "Well no shit fucktard, this isn't the passion project. Next time you get cornered for card counting in AC don't expect me to help you out, dick." But then another part of me, the part that knows that yes he is indeed being honest and blunt would say, "Yeah, you're right."
It puts me in that odd position of taking a realistic look at my shamble of a life. Admittedly, I need to refresh my certification before April 2007. The class I was in, well, let's just say I didn't quite make it to the challenge and then my week in the hospital had me miss three mandatories in a row and there is no way I'm making that up. So I need to refresh again in January... but I really am so not into it. I kinda feel about my card now how I felt about my IV and Intubation certification 6 years ago... why the fuck bother? I had wanted to be able to fall back on some sort of potential writing career. Yet... when there's no passion fueling me... I suck.
Hence why this was a Lost themed Ooogle today... because ultimately I'm feeling a little lost in what to do with myself. I know this is a temporary feeling... or at least I hope it is. Probably fueled by the fact I'm working yet another overnight/morning double and that this weekend I really didn't do anything great except have coffee with Christine, see that Borat movie alone, and for some reason something that happened awhile ago decided to creep back in and give me that oh so guilty feeling.
Maybe its that time of month for me. I just feel so damn blah and life is sucky. Of course the last time I got all introspective and shit I landed in the hospital the next day... so if for some reason you don't hear from me... well don't get all worried and shit. I have a failsafe notification plan in place so people won't worry. The Lifestatus bar in the sidebar I guess moves too slow.
Sunday, November 12, 2006The Sunday Smorgashboard
So it seems Sundays are just a time to give you a bunch of information that I find interesting. So here's a bunch of stuff I find interesting:
Christine and I had coffee tonight. I think I was supposed to go see that Borat movie with The Donkey and The Steff... but they never called and coffee is always a good thing over being the third or fifth wheel in a movie. In our conversation we talked about that thing she calls a husband and how he doesn't appreciate her. It struck a bit of a chord with me because there was an extremely similar discussion earlier in the week that I was a part of. So I told her the sad truth... men suck at showing appreciation. Even when women tell us how we feel 27 times we still won't get it. On the 28th time, when those divorce papers are in our hands, that's when we get it.
Christine laughed about it and said, "Well at least you can admit it." Mmmm... yeah I can because I've been there. What's worse? If I ever end up in a relationship again, I'd probably be the same way. Do I think ALL guys are like this? No of course not... but those guys who aren't like that are usually gay anyway so what's the point?
We also talked about the all important Christmas Cards. She's doing a picture of her and her daughter this year... which I am grateful for. Any card she sent with HIM in the picture I usually either covered HIM with a cut-out of myself or colored HIM in with a sharpie. No... I'm not acrimonious towards HIM... really.
So I am still torn about what card to send. I told her about a few card ideas I had... but ever since the divorce it just seems weird to be sending out pictures of either all the wolves or just DJ. Last year I did two... one with all the wolves that went out to just family and one of me getting patted down by Big Jay in Texas that went out to friends. Everyone liked the one from Texas... but I really haven't gone anywhere this year where I could get molested by a 400 pound man on the hood of a State Trooper car.
So I am still undecided about what kind of Christmas Cards to send out even though Christine came up with a few cool ideas... but at least two of them would require me finding girls willing to be half-naked in public and another might get me thrown in jail for the potential of terrorist activities (think Rockefeller Center, a gas can, and a Zippo... only she could think of it) against an icon of the United States. I have trouble finding just ONE girl to get naked and I'd rather smoke a Cuban than to be in Cuba. Go figure. Any ideas? I actually have a lot to send out this year.
Labels: Smorgashboard Sunday