Thursday, November 23, 2006

FOAD Thursday... The Thanksgiving Edition

So today in the United States of America is the holiday of Thanksgiving. Being thankful is not an alien concept to me contrary to what people may believe. I'm just not a big believer that giving thanks should be done once a year. I tend to think that if you are a thankful person to begin with , then you give thanks when you wake up in the morning, give thanks throughout the day, and then give thanks when you snuggle into your bed at night. There are things I am thankful for... but not that thankful. However, I am all for the food tradition. Specifically the leftovers... because there is nothing like leftover turkey on fresh bakery rye bread with mayonnaise while watching David Letterman.

Everyone is not necessarily thankful for the same things. I'm sure everyone who dragged their little 5 year olds covered in garbage bags to the Macy's Parade Route at 4:00am this morning in the rain and cold were thankful that the balloons flew, albeit lower, this morning. I'm sure everyone who is a football fan is eating heartily and being thankful that there are 3 American Football games on the television today. I'm sure everyone who is employed in non-service industries are thankful they aren't at work today. Everyone is thankful for things that are usually specific for them. I'm really no different. Well... okay... I'm a tad bit different.

So here's a bunch of things that I am thankful for. The family that was bestowed upon me through sheer luck. Those partners I have worked with who have learned to put up with my manical ways skillfully. Of course I am also very thankful for my friends, both online and off, who are there for me both when I am mute and moody as well as yappy and stewpid. Most of all though, I am thankful for my braincells that allow me to discern right from wrong, good from bad, and genius from ambiently stupid. It is also these brain cells that give me the gusto for most things here and the innate force that drives me to tell the things that annoy me most to Fuck Off And Die.

I am thankful for the ability to tell the parents who dragged their 5 year olds covered in garbage bags to Broadway at West 53 Street for the Parade to be "on the curb" that they need to FOAD. Do you really think they are having fun? Don't you think 5 minutes spent to watch the weather forecast the night before would've given you a clue at the very least that rain coats and boots might have been in order? Just because you have the ability to reproduce, doesn't necessarily mean you should, k?

I am thankful for the power to tell the football fans with turkey grease all over their mouths to FOAD. It is bad enough that the televisions become slaves to you on Sundays during your season, but to add insult to your family the day of togetherness is interrupted with your adolescent cheers and childish tantrums over a game that is 60 minutes long but takes 3 hours or more to play. For all you women who profess the same devotion to this sport on this day you also need to FOAD. While your men may find it nice to not have someone nag about the game, those of us with a clue know the only reason your watching is because you gave up trying to fight the male imposed holiday system. But I know the real reason you watch... fantasizing about the players stuffing and basting your insides. Heh. Now you know what we're thinking about at the ballet.

I am thankful for the competency to eat well cooked foods, the foresight to know that when the popper on the turkey is not up the bird is not done, and the intelligence to avoid the ham that jiggles like a jello mold. To those of you who undoubtedly do not have such abilities and engorge yourself with the sweetly rotted yams, the greasy undercooked turkey, the fungus infested ham, the jalapeno' spiced cauliflower, and all other things that your digestive system does not handle during the course of the year. You need to FOAD... and do it without calling 911. Now if you must absolutely call 911, then you are required to either vomit in the privacy of your own bathroom or wait until you get to the hospital. Failure to comply will result in this fowl being your next Thanksgiving dinner.
Finally... to those of you who do not like my holiday candy cane wanna be scheme... save your breath... Peace And Love... I've still got some things to do with it.

Labels: FOAD

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