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Wednesday, December 28, 2005Fudge, Ice Coffee and Rejection
I admit it. I’ve been in a foul mood the last few days. Maybe I’m justified and maybe I’m not... but still I continue to suffer.
So Monday afternoon I got an IM from Nikki of my Match expeditions. We had an interesting… although a bit warped IM conversation. We started out talking about our respective Christmases. We progressed to what was more hurtful to step on, Green Army Men or Legos. From there we went onto something else, and then we talked about honesty… or to be more exact “fudging”.
See, I tend to be an honest and upfront person. I really don’t believe in fudging. She does believe in fudging… but she says to a certain degree. Things like “You look fat in that dress” and “Your hair looks like my grandmothers”… which are things I agree shouldn’t be said in that manner. Then of course is the whole thing of “I slept with him awhile ago”… well, that’s where I disagreed. While details are not necessary the fact that “awhile ago” was last week does need to be stated… especially if you’ve been saying this person during that timeframe. She didn’t feel so… and I do. Do you think irreconcilable differences already? Yeah… this stuff works out well. So after some more banter, she logged off… and I basically wrote her off.
So Monday night I went to The Steff’s house to fix the futon. See, I put it together with the bottom piece upside down so the mattress was slipping off the frame. One of her friends was there, so I brought her an ice coffee, her friend a latte, and myself my usual French Vanilla Large Ice Coffee with cream and four Splendas. So I rework the frame, the whole time talking about the problems she’s having with Officer Crumb and the problems her friend is having with a guy named Jack.
Somehow we ended up rolling the “Decision Dice” regarding Jack. The dice spoke… and she needs to pursue Jack. Then comes the issue of not knowing how. Do females really think its easy for us to talk to them about liking them? Is that how the female mind works? The answer is a resounding HELL NO… and in case you missed that, allow me to resonate HELL NO.
The truth is it is really really really hard for us to walk up to someone and say, “Hey, I like you, I think your swell… wanna be boyfriend and girlfriend?” Why are those words so damn hard… because of the fear of rejection. For me, that fear gets so bad my heart flutters, I sweat, I become dizzy, and I end up stammering and stuttering at “Hello”. Of course in The Steff’s friend’s case… she has the same issue. So… when you can’t say it… I say write it. That was my advice… write him a letter or something. She’ll probably end up text messaging him. That’s what people do these days, they text each other. So after that, I left for home while The Nick and The Steff went to play pool or something… I think with Barista. I really don’t know… really didn’t care… my shoulder was still killing me from Louis on Christmas morning.
So yesterday was a busy day at work. I did get my 2006 list of things NOT to do done… now I hope I’ll be able to keep to that list of things not to do. Once work was done, I called back The Steff. She had left me a voicemail to call her, since yesterday was her orientation at the new job. I called her, and she told me about her orientation and how she might take the dispatcher slot instead of the slot on a bus. Of course this interferes with her school schedule, which I am none too thrilled about. In our brief conversation, I got the odd feeling something was wrong. I asked her, and she denied it… but then she said something to someone and I discovered she was hanging out with the new guy. So, I brought the conversation to a close… knowing I was the virtual third wheel… she said she’s “throw” me a call later (which I knew would never happen)… and I then proceeded to the store.
For Christmas, my mom decided to give me some money for a digital camera… which is something I could have used down south and something I had been looking at. I did some browsing, a little play testing, and finally settled on buying only the Fantastic Four movie. I grabbed a large French Vanilla Ice Coffee and headed home. On the way, I thumbed my phone to Christine’s number and called her. After two rings it went to voicemail… meaning she saw my number and decided not to answer it… but I left a message anyway.
I walked into my room and looked on my futon. There, as usual, was my mail. I casually flipped past some bills and offers of more credit cards I could never be approved for before coming to a VERY familiar envelope. I looked at the return address… it was from Wizards of the Coast… but it was in my handwriting. My heart sank to its lowest point in a long long time.
I sat on the futon with the envelope in my hands. I didn’t need to open it. I knew what was inside of it. Still, I urged my hand into action against the ache of my shoulder. There, in the envelope I had addressed to myself, was my rejection letter for a novel I had submitted. I stared at it briefly… then folded it up and threw it away.
I drowned my sorrow in the comfort of French Vanilla… and the distraction of Jessica Alba playing the Invisible Girl… alone yet again.