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Wednesday, October 18, 2006It's FOAD Thursday... The Coffee Edition
Today being FOAD Thursday, my favorite day of the week by the way, means that I normally let loose a slew of societally categorized obscenities about things that have pissed in my proverbial corn flakes and talk about how the idiots they hire at Dunkin' Donuts can NEVER get my order right. It has been recommended to me that I need to be more constructive in my criticism of others instead of just growling like a hungry bear looking at a honey sandwhich. So... that is what I have attempted to do.
So at Dunkin Donuts this morning I placed my usual order, a large French Vanilla Ice Coffee light with cream and with four Splendas. When my barista Julio began walking towards the actual ice and coffee with way less cream than is required, I stopped him. I instructed him as to how much cream there actually NEEDS to be in there. Julio was a tad bit surprised, but as you can see he did as he was told. Good Julio. Good.
The next step in this process is the ice and the coffee. Now no one can really mess this up. It's simple really, just fill the cup with ice and pour the coffee over it. Julio never has a problem with this step. Now when he reached for the sweetner I watched intently as he took two yellow packeted Splendas. I stopped him again and made him count with me. Uno. Dos. Tres. Cuatro. Yes Julio, that is four Splendas I require in the 24 oz. cup. That is a 1 Splenda to 6 ounce ratio. Very good.
Now the next step is what I consider one of the most important. The blending of the ice coffee is as important as its production. Perhaps it is the super secretive side of me that requires the ice coffee to be shaken and not stirred. The fact is no one actually stirs it anyway. What they do is swish it around in a circular motion using their wrists. Now I realize that while this builds up forearm muscles for those of us in need of them, all it really does is pull the sweetner to the sides so unless your straw is against the wall it's like it isn't even in there. It needs to be shaken... as I instructed Julio to do.
And that my dear friends is how you make me my standing order of a large French Vanilla Ice Coffee light with cream and four Splendas. The real test of course is if Julio will retain the knowledge I have bestowed upon him in an effort to free myself, and you of course, from hearing about how horrible a job they do.
This is however FOAD Thursday so I should tell a few people what they need to do. Those people would include the Goomba from the Hottest Mom In America auditions, the asshat from the Grand Concourse who did not seem to understand what the One Way sign is for, the girl behind the counter at Barnes & Noble who INSISTED the 2007 Edition of Writer's Market was coming out NEXT year (yes you were cute with the green eyes behind the librarian frames... but dumb baby... very very dumb), and finally to the teachers in the NYC School System who instigated panic over the possibilty of chicken pox when in reality they were just mosquito bites because YOU LET THE 5 YEAR OLD OUTSIDE WITHOUT HIS JACKET AFTER THE RAIN. So all of you just fuck off, take the wazikashi and disembowl yourself, but don't hold your breath for me to be your kaishakunin. Your disgrace is your own fault. Peace and Love will be awarded later on in the week.
I'd also like to forewarn the New Jersey City of Hackensack that there is the possibility of a declaration of war over this incident... so I suggest you make it right and do so quickly. Nobody fucks with OUR Mayor's Lexus except us. Nobody.