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Friday, April 21, 2006Honoring Thy Tenant and Landlords and The Friday Drama Update
Hi. It's 3:00am here... and I am surfing at the speed of cable. That's right, the A.P.O.D.B. now has cable internet at the Dog House which means less sleep for me and more crap for you to read. With this connection I now have the world famous Firefox browser. Once I figure out all the hype... I'll let you know.
Anyway, this being Friday, I want to remind all of you to visit my current Dog House Homey Matt. I noticed he isn't feeling the love like my favorite fluffer... but there is more to life than fluffing people. For instance there is American Idol. Okay... you know what... I take that back. Fluffing and the ladies and useless man who do it are everything. But Matt did fix the plumbing... so give him a clickety click for that would ya?
I also want to take this opportunity to thank Tabz from Stupid People Shouldn't Breed and Psychobabble for giving me a place to stay this week. They've been really nice... even if I am a "typical guy"... well now ya don't say? Just be glad I'm not humping your leg... yet.
Okay... now the part I know your all anxiously waiting for... the Friday Drama Update. First I need to apologize for not providing a COMPLETE update last week. The whole The Steff and Donkey thing had me in all sorts of mental breakdowns. So to prevent the same thing from happening again... they're going last this week.
So The Nick has a boyfriend. *GASP*. I know... Miss Relationship Phobia (I'm sure there is an actual term for this but I forgot to ask Luin today what it was on IM) has a man. That's right... and here's a HUGE surprise... he's a muscle head who is 6'1".
See that's one of The Nick's things... she's tall. I think she actually has a complex over it even though her yams are killers. Her puppies are really nice too... but I have to be honest... T's are better. Yet again I digress... so for some reason she feels the need to date GIANTS who by the way also happen to be muscleheads.
She swears that he is a nice guy, which considering how big he is and I have to admit he could very well probably rip my head off (and in case you missed my picture on 4.20, I'm no small guy), and he's an "artist". He designs a clothing line for bikers. Right... now I would normally offer to bring my cousin down and have him examine the prospect with his Gaydar... but let's face it... his sucks.
So it turns out Musclehead has gone to San Francisco. The Nick, in keeping her Lenten promise to Joshua, has yet to have sexual satisfaction. However... and here's the part I almost lost my doggy biscuits... he sucked her toes. I won't go into a feet tirade... but I mean really... not for me... yet it seemed to please her a great deal.
Now of course she is concerned though because while he has been away for the last 10 days he has called her all of twice. This has her concerned regarding his "faithfulness" and whether or not this will work. Now keep in mind... next weekend she's going to Canada. So he gets back... she leaves. Seems to me the phobia is directing her travel plans. I'm beginning to think she might actually have this phobia instead of using it as an excuse not to have a steady boyfriend.
Okay... so that's The Nick. Ooompa Loompas are holding their own. Ooompa Loompa 1 is still with her boyfriend even though I had him knocked uncoscious and sent her pictures of him being molested by a hairy man named Al. Ooompa Loompa 2 is trudging along... and aside from continuing the side fling with The Pretty One... has maintained her grace with the Lord Your Dog.
So now we come of course to The Steff and The Donkey. Okay... well... let's do it this way. The status of New Guy A- thrown out at third. The status of New Guy B- hanging on by a thread at second. The status of The Donkey- he appears at the moment to be safe at first. New Guy B is taking The Steff away this weekend. He refused to tell her where... which I am having a fit over. In fact, don't doubt if you don't hear from me until next week because I may get locked up for pinning him under my truck until he tells me where he is taking her. She's going only because she feels bad because they had made these plans before she met Donkey.
On Tueday I discovered that she had taken down my absolute favorite picture of her and replaced it with one of him and her. Needless to say I lost my mind. In fact, I called her at work and practically ripped her head off. Childish? Absolutely. When I was done a minute later HE called to tell me to calm down. I told him I'd break his legs... and he knew I meant it. I can deal with the jabs and the jokes... but the fact that she did that was just downright disrespectful.
So last night I'm working MSG... hanging with the artsy types as they smoke their spliffs at The Jammies... and she calls me. She apologizes about the picture, claims she wasn't thinking, and promises it'll go back up. Of course I have calmed down by now, forgive her as I always do, and then get ready to listen because she needs to talk.
She's a little torn up because she's going with New Guy B, and she wants to dead him nicely because he's a really nice guy and she doesn't want to hurt him. At the same time she doesn't want to hurt The Donkey... because in her heart she still isn't fully over Officer Crumb.
Right. She still isn't over Officer Crumb. At this point I let out a bloodletting curtling scream on West 33rd Street and 8th Avenue. I could hear she was really torn up about it and tried to be supportive. I told her that what mattered was her, her happiness, and no one else should take precedent. Basically I told her to be a cold-hearted bitch... which is something she is never good at (unless of course its to me). So we ended the conversation with the potential for an early morning breakfast in... oh... two hours so we could talk it out and do the pro and con list.
Now remember where I let out the scream? That's in front of Penn Station. Well guess who works there? Right... Donkey. He keys me up literally 15 seconds after I got off the phone with her... so I go visit him in the Command Center where he was processing an EDP. He seemed a bit sad... because he wouldn't be seeing her this weekend. Of course as luck would have it he asked me who she was going with... I named the first two friends that came off the top of my head... and of course he rasied his eyebrows. Now I know Donkey. I know that look. He wanted to crash what he thought was a "girl's weekend". How do I know for certain? Well shit, if I were him, I would think about the same thing. So I quickly re-directed him. Maintained my advice of keeping it slow and steady and not pushing.
So what to do now? She's still suffering from a broken heart. Unfortunately I can relate... but I also know that with time... the wounds will heal. How do I tell her that?
So that is the drama update. If there is any doubt in anyone's mind that I am the King of All Drama... let them be erased now. Oh and for all of you who thought up above when I was referring to T's puppies... you sick perverts... will you never learn? That was a link to Lily her Pug!!! Gotcha again...