A Pile of Dog Bones

“In each of us two natures are at war… the good and the evil. All our lives the fight goes on between them, but one of them must conquer. In our own hands lies the power to choose. What we want most to be we are.” – Dr. Henry Jekyll

Wednesday, April 19, 2006

Signs...Wines... and The Dirtiest and Biggest Bone of them All

Do you believe in signs? I'm not really a superstitous person... but I do see some things out there that make me think. So tonight, I have seen a sign in this post over at Shelly's. Why is this a sign? Well because a little while ago there was this post over at T's. Now I commented on them both... but very briefly when in truth I have a whole lot more to say.

So perhaps it is the bottle of wine I decided to consume tonight when I got home that is making me see things that are not connected but rather coincidental. I don't necessarily prescribe to the fact that there is a reason for everything... but at the same time some things are hard to ignore. So for that reason I will forewarn you that what follows is both deeply personal and disturbing. It is not in the same light hearted manner I would normally post... so if your not feeling it... then move on little blog reader, visit my renter, and come back another day. Otherwise... buckle up... because this will get bumpy... as I pluck and claw at my biggest and dirtiest bone in the pile.

My ex-wife Pudding and I met in 1998. We began seeing each other officially once her divorce was complete in 1999. She had four children from her previous marriage... part of the group I often call my Wolves. In 2000 she became pregnant with who would turn out to be our son DJ, making it a five member pack... or as I would say my own personal basketball team. There was talk of marriage from her... something I generally killed... because as much as I loved and cared for her... she had... tendencies...

So through a few therapy sessions and some diagnosing it has been discovered that I suffer from PTSD ever since September 11, 2001. One of the prime example the therapist used to point out this illness I was, and to a large degree still am in denial about, was the fact that Pudding and I got married on November 3, 2001. I agreed to marry her after watching the movie Navy Seals... where the big fat chick cries to the lieutenant and asks him if she and her man who was now dead had been married would she have gotten the flag... and he says yes. Pudding wanted the flag.

One of the first things we did after getting married was buy a house in Northeastern Pennsylvannia. It was two and a half hours away... but it was a four bedroom colonial. Plenty of room for 7 people, three cats, and the fish. It also beat the hell out of the two one bedroom apartments we both maintained. Why Northeast PA? Well the price was right and as I explained to one mortgage agent, "I doubt Al Quaeda has ever heard of Scranton."

So my work schedule was good for this sort of living. I would be home Tuesday night through Thursday night... and every other week she was in New York from Friday night to Sunday night so her ex-husband could see his kids. So it was only twice a month where she had a stretch of four nights when she was alone. We moved in February of 2002, and thus our lives began and things went really well with only a few bumps. It wasn't meant to be forever... just a year or maybe two until I could get reciprocity in PA and earn the same amount of money as I was in New York. I had intended on working NYC part time anyway to keep my shield.

Then in August of 2002 I was offered a huge promotion. There was alot of pressure from work to take it. Our ranks had been thinned post 9/11 by people who had gotten a jumpstart on getting out like I was planning. We sat down and talked it out... and in the end we decided I would do it but maintain my plan to be out in a year or so. It was a money increase which helped a bit... but now I was working five days a week. So I took the promotion.

Well shit went downhill around New Year's 2004. Why? Because I was once again given a huge promotion in New Year's of 2003... but now I got tied into a contract and a non-compete and other things that I hadn't had to deal with before... but this had always been my dream... to do what I was going to do. At that point we had a conversation... about her... tendencies. Pudding was by far the absolute best sexual partner I ever had... and she agreed that I too was very good at pleasing her... but she also liked to be on occasion with women. So the conversation we had lasted an entire weekend... with the agreement... that we would have an "open" marriage... and she could have a girlfriend... provided she always came home to our bed and kept them separated from the rest of our lives... and I could take the promotion. Most guys would love to have their wives with other women... but I have always been a one woman type of guy and I want my woman to be with me. I told her this... she called me selfish... and that was how we came to the terms of the "agreement". She agreed readily... I was reluctant... but with all the women I have always loved... I just wanted her to be happy.

It took eight months. At the end of August 2004 she came home with her "girlfriend" and announced to me that they were in love... and she was moving back to Brooklyn as a full fledged lesbian. A now proud member of the "gay community". I really shouldn't have been surprised. In fact I really wasn't. Our passion had seemed to come to a crashing halt after she had spent a weekend in New York in July when her goddaughter was discovered to have inter-cranial bleeding. She had become a lump in bed... and in fact for the two weeks prior to her announcement we hadn't slept together.

She moved out a few weeks later... back into the one-bedroom in Brooklyn for a few months before getting into an apartment with three bedrooms in time for Christmas. Our divorce was finalized in August of 2005... with the house still unsold due to some repairs I need to make before I can put it on the market. Her girlfriend moved in this past February... and yes... I helped with all three moves. Do I hate her? No. Do I hate the damage it has done to my family, my son, and all those around her? Absolutely. Yet I feel powerless over anything else. The fact that she also slept with her ex-husband in the spring of 2004 and some other guy earlier in the year doesn't help... but at least they were guys. I lost my wife to a girl. I asked myself, "What kinf of a man are you?"

So I went through a severe bout of depression. I mean SEVERE as in standing on the VZ Bridge and thinking about going over severe. To be honest... I don't know how I might have made it through if I hadn't had friends like The Steff, my partner Freakzilla, X, and everyone else who would turn around and remind me why I was still here (even Dartanion was there for me... that's how bad off I was). My depression did affect my job performance... and I was demoted although the harnesses from that position, namely the contract and non-compete, remain in effect.

So... now the dirty nasty truth is out. Dart had made mention of it in one of his posts previously... but I don't think anyone paid it any attention. To be honest... I wouldn't have made mention of it... had it not been for those two posts that were so close together. So allow me to express my opinion on the matters that have sparked this revelation.

Open marriages are horrible. They betray everything sacred or what is supposed to be sacred about the "sacrament". They open up cans of worms and can lead to nothing but misery. I so very much wish that I would be able to go back to that moment... quit my job... and tell her no... that I would be with her and I love her. Instead I chose my career over her. I was wrong in doing that... I left her alone and in need... and now in the end I am the one alone. To a large degree I got what I deserved. Agreeing to an open marriage helped deliver that.

As for bi-sexuality being a pitstop to "gay land"... unfortunately I have to agree with that to. I would like to believe that someone who is bi-sexual at some point and time can decide on one sexuality or the other... and that it doesn't always need to be the "gay land" one... but my personal experience shows me that bi-sexuals are just lying to themselves and others when they say that. They are truly in the closet coward homosexuals doing what is socially "in" and wrecking lives of others along the way. Calling yourself a bi-sexual is cowardly and selfish and I see no reason for any of it.

Someone had sent me an e-mail back when I criticized Brokeback Mountain calling me a gay basher because of what I said about the film. I don't hate gay people. In fact, I work with a bunch of them... one of whom upon finding out my wife left me decided SHE wanted to be the next Mr. Pudding (yes... that did piss me off greatly... but I behaved). The other gay people at work were very supportive... in fact my Dyke squad offered to take the girlfriend into a dark alley so I wouldn't have the issue of "hitting a girl"... God I love those bitches (and those ladies and gentleman are REAL bitches). My cousin is also gay.

What I hate is bi-sexuals who ruin loves because they can't be honest with themselves. Would you expect a lesbian to have given birth to 5 kids? No... I didn't think so. In fact, I asked my cousin when I saw him while all this was transpiring, "Tell me, at my wedding, was your fucking Gaydar not working or something?" He told me, "Your not the only one she fooled. It's people like her that give us a bad name." See that you bi-sexuals... the gays hate you too.

Pretty deep huh? So now you all know I suck as a man because my wife left me for another woman. That's okay though. Surprisingly I actually feel a little bit better. Of course... when the comments start rolling in I'll probably find a roof or something (joke people... I really only do bridges and someone took my EZ-Pass) to jump off of.

In the end... I told Pudding that only two things matter to me... 1) That my son is taken care of lovingly and 2) That she is happy. I promised her... if number one didn't happen... then number two WILL NEVER HAPPEN. So be it. Thanks for listening. Next time... we'll be back to the light hearted programming your all used to. Afterall... tomorrow is 4.20.06...
Posted by New York City's Watchdog :: 4/19/2006 12:26:00 AM :: :: 5 Bones Added to the Pile

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