A Pile of Dog Bones

“In each of us two natures are at war… the good and the evil. All our lives the fight goes on between them, but one of them must conquer. In our own hands lies the power to choose. What we want most to be we are.” – Dr. Henry Jekyll

Wednesday, February 22, 2006

My Personality

Today is a better day. Let me first say that no one was the target of yesterday's rant... well except for that phony Humpty-Lumpty person. No one should think I was directly referring to them or their own blog schedules about rant days (I mean really Stephanie... so egotistical LOL... but THAT rant cartoon had me ROFLing... Jesus with a gun... that's what I'm talking about!!!)... it was just something I always found peculiar and threw it in there seeing as how my blood was boiling over other things. Thanks and lotsa love to everyone out there who were concerned by my turn to the dark side.

The truth is there have been alot of factors leading up to it. I suffer from a mixture of Post Traumatic Stress Disorder and clinical depression. Now don't go gasping at the sound of it... my affliction is very mild compared to what others are going through with PTSD or the other illnesses that are out there.

One of the most common misconceptions of PTSD is that it makes the afflicted skittish and phobic with a bunch of nightmares. In my case, it makes me lose sleep and my anger becomes enhanced and all consuming because I have problems regulating the emotion under stress. One of my partners likened it to having Multiple Personality Disorder, because I could be smiles one minute and snap out the next. I think MPD is much worse... because at least I know what I'm doing even if I don't see how wrong it might be in the moment... but I can relate to people like Cat who suffer from it... because when I've calmed down... it's usually "Oh shit... what did I do now?"

Having PTSD coupled with clinical depression made the doctors actually consider me a complex case and prescribe meds. I was on them for a short time... but I didn't care for them or the way they made me feel... so now I'm med free against what is "medically sound" advice.

Work lately has been pretty stressful. I'm often left wondering if I want to continue doing what I'm doing as opposed to doing what I want to be doing. Right now I manage a dispatch center with oversight of over 100 units daily. What I'd like to be doing is to be on one of those 100 units. I have my good days and my bad days... and lately its been more bad than good... which builds up to the point where I have a day like yesterday... and I just need to blow.

To be honest... it's probably alot better to blow here than in person. This way no one goes through a window or a desk... no one hears the screams... and I get paid for one more day which means DJ eats. So once again... it wasn't aimed at any one person or group... although to be honest I do think IT2M lost some stock value by adding a guy reviewer... but at least they're remaining honest.

Here's a site that I found that does online Johari Windows. I've done one of these before during a management training seminar... so I'm interested what you my fellow bloggers think of me. So feel free to go on and check it out... and thanks again for all those who expressed concern for me both publicly and privately.
Posted by New York City's Watchdog :: 2/22/2006 01:31:00 PM :: :: 0 Bones Added to the Pile

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